
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/13619952.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Shingeki_no_Kyojin_|_Attack_on_Titan
  Relationship:
      Levi/Eren_Yeager
  Character:
      Eren_Yeager, Levi_(Shingeki_no_Kyojin), Armin_Arlert, Mikasa_Ackerman,
      Erwin_Smith, Hange_Zoë, 104th_Training_Corps, Special_Operations_Squad_|
      Squad_Levi
  Additional Tags:
      Angst, Heavy_Angst, Emotional_Hurt/Comfort, Anal_Sex, Underage_Sex,
      Prostitution, Canon_Era, Emotional/Psychological_Abuse, Emotional
      Baggage, Post-Traumatic_Stress_Disorder_-_PTSD, Anxiety, Panic_Attacks,
      Guilt, lying, lots_of_lying, Falling_In_Love, Slow_Burn, Rape/Non-con
      Elements, Underage_Rape/Non-con, Recovery, Flashbacks, Poor_Eren_Yeager,
      It_Gets_Worse_Before_It_Gets_Better, Dissociation, Eventual_Happy_Ending,
      Angst_with_a_Happy_Ending
  Stats:
      Published: 2018-02-09 Updated: 2018-03-25 Chapters: 6/? Words: 25602
****** Secrets of an Alleyway ******
by BlackbirdFreedom11
Summary
     They were hungry.
     They were starving.
     They had to survive another year until they could sign up for the
     Training Corps.
     “What do you want?”
     “Oh, a little of this. Little of that. Depends on you how much food
     ya want. More you give, more ya get. Get it? Simple.”
     Simple. Eren didn't need to tell Mikasa or Armin how he returned with
     so much food.
     Simple. Nobody else needed to know what went on in the darker
     alleyways of that town.
     Simple, right?
     Until he sees some familiar faces passing him in the halls of the
     Survey Corps.
     Until Captain Levi senses something not quite right with Eren Jaeger.
     Until simple becomes more complicated than ever before.
Notes
     Hi everyone! first story of mine.
     talk about being nervous!
     Anyway, normally i'm just a huge reader on here, but this story
     wouldn't leave my head.
     SO
     i hope you enjoy! PLEASE read the tags on this story!
      
     TW: Underage rape/prostitution
***** The Alleyway *****
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
YEAR 846
===============================================================================
 

“This is our last ration,” Armin grimaced, splitting up the half loaf of bread
into three parts. He handed a slice each to Mikasa and Eren, who each took
their portion with frowns.

The three friends sat on the dirty ground in the corner of a small alley, with
two boxes and three thin blankets covering them. The clothes that covered each
child hung loosely, tears and holes were common every few inches of fabric.
There they huddled together, eating their last pieces of bread, given to them
by Armin’s Grandpa on his last day within Wall Rose.

“We need to start thinking about a plan to get food, or else were going to
starve.” Armin stated, looking down at the ground. “We’re too small to grab any
of the rations they give out anymore, we’d never beat the crowd.”

Eren squeezed his bread tightly in anger, “This isn’t fair! What are we
supposed to do then? What do they expect us to do!” He took a bite of his food
and chewed it with force, pieces spitting out of his mouth.

Mikasa grabbed her scarf from around her neck for comfort. “They expect
nothing. The rations they hand out barely allow us to survive. People are
already dying from starvation.” She sighed, and raised her eyes to look at
Armin.

“Do you have an idea?”

Armin looked away. “...Well, we can steal, but it’s illegal. Not to mention
dangerous. If we get caught…” He looked back at Mikasa and Eren, his eyes
burning with determination. “But it doesn’t matter anyway does it? If we don’t
do anything, or if we get caught, the outcome is the same…”

Mikasa sucked in a breath at that statement. The town punished heavily on those
stealing since the refugees came in from Wall Maria. Many never returned after
becoming arrested by the Military Police.

“Then let’s not get caught. I can do it; you and Eren can stay here then. That
way, if I’m arrested, you and Eren won’t be punished. It really is the best-”

“No way!” Eren shouted, his bright green eyes focused on Mikasa. “There’s no
way that you’re doing that on your own! Stop trying to protect me!” He growled,
but his higher voice didn’t seem to capture his raging emotions clearly enough.
“No. We all go. And if we split up, we can take more that way. We can all go to
nearby towns, and then meet back here.”

Mikasa’s eyes widened, “Eren! Think this through! That’s even more dangerous! I
can’t help you or Armin if we split up.”

Eren’s eyes burned brighter. “Mikasa! Stop it! I’m almost 12, you can’t keep
protecting me. I can do this! Stay with Armin if you want, but I’m getting that
food on my own. We need it, and we need it fast. Splitting up is the best way.”
He crossed his arms and looked away. He loved his sister, he truly did, but
Gods, did her over protectiveness enrage him. Why didn’t she understand? They
were living in an alleyway and were starving. Now wasn’t the time to get
sentimental. They had no security or comfort, except for each other and the
clothes on their backs. Until they were old enough to join the training corps,
which wasn’t for over another year, they needed to survive, and in any way
possible.

If they went along with Mikasa’s plan, they would never get enough food, and
eventually would all be caught. Then, they would probably end up like the poor
souls who were forced back over the wall in the form of a Wall Maria
reclamation expedition. Nearly 20% of the human population perished, including
Armin’s Grandfather. Previously, he was the reason as to why they had rations
in the first place. But now, they were on their own.

As Eren fumed to himself, Mikasa looked to Armin in support. “Armin please, we
need to stick together!”

The blond haired boy wrapped his arms around his knees, crunching his eyebrows
together in thought. “I get what you’re saying Mikasa, because I don’t want to
split up either.” Mikasa instantly smiled with relief, and looked at Eren, as
if Armin’s statement would ease him out of his tantrum.

“However,” Armin continued, with a frown on his face, “I think in this
instance, Eren’s actually right.”

Mikasa’s head snapped back at Armin, her eyes shining with betrayal. Armin
quickly raised his hands in surrender, trying to ease Mikasa back down.

“Look. I get it, but if we stay together, we run a far greater chance of being
caught, because we would stand out more. Alone, we slip in and out much easier.
We also triple the amount of food we take. And we can even hit different parts
of nearby towns, and not get caught with the other thieves here. This is a huge
advantage, because they know most of the refugees are staying in this area.
Farther towns wouldn’t be on the lookout for as many thieves, and especially
not children as young as us. Do you see?” Armin’s eyes quickly whizzed back and
forth from Mikasa to Eren, who had turned back around when Armin defended his
idea.

Mikasa stared at Armin in disbelief, but quickly came to realize that her own
plan would not be followed. In surrender, she tucked her chin underneath her
scarf, and nodded. “I don’t like it. But if we’re going to do this your way,
we’ll have to plan. I won’t let us go into this blindly.”

Eren and Armin let out breaths of relief, glad they wouldn’t have to fight
against Mikasa further. They didn’t have much time anyway, if they had to
prepare themselves. Eren did feel guilty for yelling at his sister though, and
quickly reached out his hand to grab hers.

“It’ll be okay, Mikasa. I’m strong. We’re strong. We can do this. We’ll be the
best thieves inside Wall Rose!” A cute side grin came upon Erens face. Mikasa
gave out a small smile in response, and looked back to Armin.

“Okay. So how are we doing this?”
 
 
 
Two days later, the three friends huddled in their alleyway, the sun sinking
down past the walls and into a gorgeous sunset. In order to use their daytime
light to their full advantage, they planned to travel to each of their
designated towns while the sun was still out, then wait until it became darker
in order to better camouflage themselves on the streets. They had to be careful
about this though, because the later it became, the more vendors closed up
their merchandise. Tonight would be their testing night, to see what times
would work best in each of their towns, along with the best streets.

“Okay”, Armin whispered, “It’s becoming dark enough so it’ll be hard to see us,
but the venders are still open on the streets. Remember, you need to get there
before the late crowds leave, or else it’ll be harder to grab something. Meet
back here before midnight.” A loud growl interrupted Armin’s small speech, and
caused a deep blush to emerge on his skin. He grabbed his thin stomach, trying
to quiet it down.

“I’m hungry too. Let’s just go. I’ll see you guys tonight!” Eren gave a little
laugh and began jogging out of their backstreet, waving goodbye to his friends
one last time before disappearing. If he turned around, he would’ve seen
Mikasa’s and Armin’s worried looks upon their faces.

Eren jogged down the little road, passing by multiple vendors that were giving
him the stink eye. It was obvious he was a refugee, with his torn clothes and
no shoes. Nobody would trust any refugee from Wall Maria in this city, as they
were all scrambling around for anything they could take. Eren glared back at
anyone who connected with his gaze, and ran further away from the disdainful
eyes. He followed his path leading towards the inner Wall Sina, while Mikasa
went west, and Armin went east towards Stohess. Their plan was to get out as
far as they could to other towns while still making in back to their alley way
in time. While the thought of just moving to another town had come up, rumors
were going around of available jobs on nearby farms, and they, along with many
other refugees, were awaiting for further news.

Armin and Mikasa of course, stayed hopeful for this for their own reasons.
Eren, on the other hand, thought he had a much more realistic view of the
world.

Farming jobs. Yeah right. Even if there were any, it’s not like we would be
picked up. We're too small to work. At least that’s what everyone else thinks.

He huffed to himself and kicked a rock out of the pathway with the sole of his
foot. He didn’t think he was that small. Or weak. He wasn’t. He could fight,
and not as good as Mikasa, but he could. And he was smart, not like Armin-
smart, but he could think on his feet. He could work. Look at him now! He was
going to steal in order to eat. He could do it. He could. And he would.

Eren continued on the path way for almost an hour, the night coming upon the
sky rather quickly. The moon became his main source of light as he reached a
small town.

Finally.

The town itself appeared small and rather rundown. It was comprised mostly of
bars it seemed, as the streets were noisy and crowded. Lanterns hanged
sporadically every few feet down the main street, where there were a couple of
vendors talking amongst late night shoppers. Eren tried to stay in the shadows
as he drew nearer, passing by a couple of jewelry stands.

You’re not food…that’s not food… Where’s some bread?

Eren’s stomach gave a loud rumble, and he grasped it in embarrassment. No one
seemed to have heard it, as he passed through a small crowd, but it still
planted a small blush on his cheeks. Eren kept walking down the street, eyeing
the vendors, but no food came upon his view. It was only jewelry, florists,
blacksmith merchants and wood carvers.

No no no no no!

Eren practically ran through the main road, stopping at every vender twice. He
was only glanced at, as it seemed many couples liked to gather around these
venders at night. Being small enough, he went mostly unnoticed behind the swell
of women’s skirts and the height of the male companion.

But there were no food vendors. Why? They had everything else it seemed! What
was their issue? Eren dragged his feet to the sidewalk of a building, where he
sat down in defeat.

Just great. My one shot to not screw up and help Mikasa and Armin and I’m going
to turn up with nothing. I’m so hungry, I know their starving too. And I can’t
go anywhere else… This is the last town with vendors before Wall Sina. What am
I going to do?

Eren pulled his head into his hands and dug his fingers into his scalp. Sitting
here wasn’t going to help, but what was his other choice? He was stuck, and he
refused to go back to his friends emptyhanded. As Eren tried to think up
possibilities of attained some sort of substance for the night, a loud boom!
came from his left. He jumped at the sound, but quickly got up and walked to
the corner of the building, peering down an alleyway from where the noise came
from.

A man walked out of a side door from the building Eren had rested on, and was
carrying two heavy black bags. He threw them to the opposite side of the alley,
turned black around, and slammed the door shut behind him with another bang.
Eren’s eyes widened as the smell from the bags whiffed up to his nose. Food!
Rotting food, but food none the less. He couldn’t believe his luck. This never
happened at the main town; scraps were always used in some form. Throwing food
away like this was just…

Eren glanced back in order to see if someone saw him, and quickly ducked into
the alleyway, skidding towards the bags and opening them. His handed became
dirtied as he tore through the piles of rotten food, finding only empty cans,
bread crumbs, and scrapes of rotten meat. Eren stood up in anger and growled,
kicking the bags away from him. He leaned against the side wall, sliding down
until his head touched his knees.

Nothing. No bread. No food. I’m useless. Tears of frustration pricked the
corners of his eyes, and he quickly swiped his hand across his face to get rid
of the evidence.
 
Eren sat there with his eyes closed and body curled up for warmth. The half-
moon shone brighter in the sky, and the night grew steadily colder. He had
about another half hour before he had to return to Mikasa and Armin, with
nothing in his hands. He didn’t want to give up, but there was nothing else he
could try. He had looked between the remaining town alleyways for more trash
bags, but there was nothing. In defeat, he return to the first ally, and dig
through the trash again, hoping he had missed something, but to no avail.
During this time, the vendors had left, the couples had disappeared, and the
only sounds that could be heard came from the randy bars which were sprinkled
up and down the main road. In fact, the trash bags even came from a bar, which
seemed to be more heavily populated than others. It was actually a wonder than
Eren hadn’t been kicked out of the area yet.

He sighed to himself, trying to face the fact that he had to go back to Mikasa
and Armin like this. Like a loser. Like someone who gave up. And that wasn’t
him! It wasn’t. But he didn’t know what else to do.

“Hey Runt.”

Eren snapped his head up at the sound of a voice, finding a huge man staring
down at him in the alley. He scrambled back further into the alley way on his
palms, his heart pounding at the sudden shock. He quickly got up and clenched
his fists.

The man laughed. He looked to be about 6 feet, with decent clothes on. He
didn’t seem rich, nor poor. He had no mustache or beard, but messy brown short
hair. Eren pegged him around his 30’s.

“You. Ya hungry?”

Eren squirmed. “Why? Got anything for me?”

The man smirked, his eyes lighting up shrewdly. “I’ll make you a deal. See, I
saw you scrounging around the town earlier. You won’t find food here like that.
But, I can get some for you, if you do something for me.” His smirk lengthened
into a secretive smile, as he leaned on the side of the building wall.

“What do you want?”

“Oh, a little of this. Little of that. Depends on you how much food ya want.
More you give, more ya get. Get it? Simple.”

Eren scrunched his nose. The guy was talking in riddles, and the air he was
giving off seemed strange. But he was offering food, and if he wasn’t lying,
which Eren didn’t think he was, then he wouldn’t find food here on any vendors.
Despite his instincts, Eren needed to give this a chance. He figured if he was
willing to steal, then he could do what the guy wanted. Really, his stomach was
so hungry, he’d really do just about anything for food right now. He hadn’t
eaten in two days, and was feeling lightheaded and physically weaker than
normal.

“Okay. But I want the food first.”

“Ha! Yeah right. But look, I’ll show you.” The man pulled out a whole loaf of
bread from his inside jacket pocket, showing it to Eren. “Ya see? And there’s
more where that came from. Just depends on what you do for me.”

Eren’s mouth watered when he saw the bread. He didn’t know if it was his
imagination, but he swore to himself that he could smell it. He found himself
nodding along to what the guy said, but knew that he just wanted the bread
tonight. That way he could see what the guy was about, and then hopefully, if
he could do what the guy wanted, he could come back and try for more food.

The guy smirked at Eren, and stowed the bread away.

“Great. Let’s get started.” He walked closer to Eren, grabbed his wrist, and
pulled him deeper into the alleyway. Eren automatically protested the
treatment, but ultimately followed the man holding him. He was brought into the
crevice of the alley, where it was darker and the moonlight barely touched his
face.

“Get on your knees.”

“…What?”

The man growled and grabbed Eren’s hair in a tight grip, forcing his knees to
hit the ground. He grunted in pain, and tried to get the man’s hands off of his
head, but he was much stronger than Eren.

“What the heck! What are you-”

Eren cut himself off when he saw the man unbuckling his pants, and pulled his
underwear down. Gasping, Eren began struggling to get free.

“No, no! Stop it-”

“Shut up! You wanted the bread. You just gotta open your mouth for me for a
couple of minutes. Capeesh? Now open up.” Keeping Eren in place still with on
hand holding onto his hear, the other forced open his mouth, squeezing at his
cheeks until the pain was too much.

Eren’s breathing turned ragged as he gazed upon the man’s penis. He had never
seen one other than his and Armin’s, because they bathed together, but his was
huge! Eren’s eyes began tearing up as the prospect of what was going to happen
hit him in the span of seconds. He didn’t know that this was what the man
wanted. He didn’t even think about it! Eren was young, too young, he only
vaguely knew what this was because some refugees had become prostitutes in
order to earn money. He, Mikasa, and Armin had both heard about and witnessed
some forms of prostitution, but even then, the concept was still quite foreign
for their young minds.
 
Can I really do this?

Eren didn’t seem to have a choice, as the man had opened up his mouth and
stuffed his prick down his throat within seconds.
 
 
 
A satisfied sigh was heard in the night.
"Damn. That was perfect runt, thanks for that. Oh, here’s the bread too.” Eren
heard a quiet thump next to his knees on the ground. The bread.

“Oh, if you come back, I’ll meet you here again for a trade, you got me? I can
get loads of food for ya. You just gotta give me something too.” The man
laughed, turned and walked out of the alleyway, whistling a small tune to
himself.

Eren turned his head away from the sounds and threw up what little was in his
stomach. He dry heaved again when he realized what he had thrown up on the
ground, something that was white.
Chapter End Notes
     Hope it wasn't too bad! i hope to update next week.
     Reviews will make me write more and make me super happy because its
     my first story :)
     Thanks for Reading!
***** Figuring it Out *****
Chapter Summary
     Eren has to figure it out. How was he going to face Mikasa and Armin
     after what had just happened?
Chapter Notes
     Chapter 2!!! Sorry it's late, i'm in the process of moving houses and
     it's been pretty rough.
     But i hope you guys enjoy!
     I had to rewrite the first part of the chapter because i wasn't very
     happy with it, and now it seems so much better :)
     So have fun reading!
     AND THANK YOU SO MUCH for the comments and kudos!
See the end of the chapter for more notes
I did it for food.
It was for food.
It didn’t mean anything.
Just a trade.
I have food.
Eren firmly repeated this mantra in his head as he slowly walked back to Mikasa
and Armin in a daze. He refused to further think about what had happened,
because when he did, his stomach tightened and his body tried to heave out
anything that was left in his stomach. He had thrown up enough in the alleyway,
thank you very much. His throat felt on fire, his knees were skinned up from
the ground, his face was swollen from tears, and his mind was in shambles.
But he had food.
Too bad Eren didn’t think he could stomach any of it. His raving appetite an
hour prior had disappeared after the trade, and Eren wasn’t too sure it would
come back any time soon. That was alright though, more for Mikasa and Armin. He
would rather sleep anyways, his mind too exhausted from rewinding the last 60
minutes or so.
While he knew Mikasa and Armin would be worried sick already, considering it
was past midnight, he knew the whole loaf of bread would cheer them up. But, he
would never tell them how he got it. No. There was no way in hell that he would
ever tell his two best friends what had happened. He could already imagine
their reactions. No, it wouldn’t go well at all. It wasn’t even going well for
Eren, who was still wondering whether what had happened was actually
acceptable. It was an exchange. Eren didn’t know what the man had wanted until
it was too late, but he did receive food. But he wouldn’t have done it if he
knew what the man had wanted beforehand. Right? He wouldn’t of. No.
But then again….
No!
So what if he was starving, there was no way he would have consensually lowered
himself like that. He would’ve rather starved!
He would’ve rather starved.
But What about Mikasa and Armin?
What was left of Eren heart pinged a little in response.
He would’ve rather starved for himself. But for them… for his friends… for the
two most precious souls that Eren had vowed to protect and keep safe from
people and titans and anything else that could be seen as harmful…
Then…
Eren knew he would’ve done anything.
He took a deep breath as he came to a conclusion in his head, but could not
stop his body from reacting to the past events that had suddenly catapulted to
the front of his mind. His breathing suddenly became erratic, and his hands
trembled hard enough that he almost dropped the loaf of bread he was carrying.
Eren began hyperventilating so badly that he stopped in the middle of the road,
and staggered to his knees towards the ground. He dug his hands into his scalp,
pulling at his hair to try and pull his mind back into reality. He felt- rather
than heard- a high pitched whine breaking out from his throat, and he gasped
for air as the sound left his body. Giving himself another few minutes to get
his breathing under control, he realized he needed to sort himself out before
presenting himself to his friends, or else Mikasa and Armin would know that
something was wrong instantly. Because this... breathing thing, that couldn’t
happen again. At least not in front of his friends.
Okay. So how does he control that? How can he control his emotions and
reactions to being-
Wait.
No. No! It wasn’t rape, it wasn’t.
He had just gone over this with himself hadn’t he? It was an exchange. An
exchange. His body for food to give to Mikasa and Armin. A needed exchange that
didn’t harm them, and was quick, and gave him food to bring back to his
friends.
It was a trade.
Work for food.
That’s all.
And lots of people don’t like their work, right?
Right.
Okay.
Okay.
It was a trade a trade a trade just work Eren just work that’s all you’re fine
you’re fine YOU’RE FINE okay just forget it you have food now concentrate on
that be happy you have food you did work for food what work what work you you
you what did you do?
He needed a cover story. Eren looked down at himself, his eyes squinting in
concentration. His clothes were covered in dirt, stains, (stains stains white
gross no stop) and his knees were scraped and bruised. He knew his face had
bruises from the man grabbing it (no stop what are you doing) What work could
get him so dirty (dirty)like this? He couldn’t properly clean himself up before
meeting back home, he had nowhere to go and no more time. He had to think of
something, quick. He was determined to do this. For Mikasa and Armin.
Just as Eren picked himself back up from the ground and tried his best to brush
off the dirt from his tattered clothes, it hit him like lightning. He could say
he cleaned. He could say he was paid in food for cleaning up a bar, and some
drunk people got rowdy and of course he fought back because he’s Eren right? So
of course Eren fought and that how he got scraped up and bruised up and-
Okay. That’ll work. Now all Eren had to do was keep himself together. He took
one more deep breath in order to finish off the last of his panicking, gripped
harder on the loaf of bread in his hands, and set off. And as Eren began
walking back to Mikasa and Armin once again, it seemed that with every step he
took, his determination set in to help Eren keep his new horrifying secret deep
within himself. And as every foot hit the dirt, Eren’s mind tightened around
his soul with iron chains, protecting himself and his friends from revealing
what had truly taken place hours before. With every step, Eren’s heart hardened
and his body became his shell. With every step, Eren began believing that the
exchange
(usediwasusediwasforcedandtakeniwasrapednoshutupdontthinklikethatcantthinklikethat)
was a needed trade in order for survival, and that because Mikasa and Armin
wouldn’t understand that, they would only know that Eren cleaned up places
instead for the food. He didn’t become a thief at all, in fact. Really, they
should be proud of him for finding a true and honest job! Really, cleaning… and
if he went back-
(noidontwannagobackdontmakemeshutupitsneededshutupshutup)
He could get more food too.
Much more.
Chains tightened around Eren’s fragile heart, protecting it from everyone who
dared try to touch.
 
 
With a closed mind and a hardened heart, Eren purposefully turned the corner of
the dark street and walked down into the familiar alleyway, where he could
barely make out two huddled shapes at the very end. One hand holding onto the
loaf of bread, the other tightened into a fist in determination. As his
footsteps grew louder, the two figures startled.
“Eren?”
“Eren!”
“Mikasa, Armin, I’m sorry I’m late, but look!” Eren ran up and practically
shoved the loaf of bread into their faces, and while it was not warm and soft
because of the travelling, its wonderful aroma seeped into Armin’s and Mikasa’s
noses, making them sigh in pleasure. “I got a whole loaf of bread!”
Eren grinned at his two friends, but quickly his face turned into surprise as
he was swarmed into a group hug by both of them.
“Eren! Don’t scare us like that again! We decided on a time to come back for a
reason! Why did you come back so late?” It didn’t seem as though Mikasa was
taking a breath between sentences as she rapidly questioned Eren’s night. Her
hug had gotten tighter and tighter every second, and Eren panicked at the
feeling. He began to squirm and threw off their arms, taking longer to push
away Mikasa’s fighting touch. He couldn’t. He couldn’t let them touch him.
Don’t touch me.
“Slow down Mikasa!” Eren growled, “I’m okay, it’s fine! Sheesh. Focus on the
food why don’t you? What did you guys get?”
Focus on the food focus on the food the food the food food bread hands wait no
focus EREN
Armin gazed up at Eren with his bright blue eyes. “I got lucky, I scrounged the
trash bins around town first, and found two cans of beans! I figured that would
be enough for now, and decided to come back here. I don’t want to steal if I
don’t have to.” Armin then held two small cans in his hand, showing off his
achievement to his friends.
Eren tried his best to smile. “That’s awesome Armin!”
I tried that too why didn’t I find food why couldn’t I have found food why
didn’t I not good enough no good but exchanged we exchanged its fine its fine
not fine
Eren did his very best to not show how he had felt when Armin told him how her
had found his food. Jealous much? Yes, he was jealous that Armin found an
easier way than him, that Armin had gotten off easier, that Armin hadn’t been
pulled down to the ground and forced to open his mouth and couldn’t breathe and
couldn’t stop him and couldn’t-
Thankfully, Mikasa’s soft voice cut off his own in his head, saving him from
almost coming undone in front of his friends. His guilty eyes quickly glanced
at Armin, who had the frightening ability to see past people better than anyone
he had ever known, but he was too preoccupied on the food in his hands.
Eren had to keep in together. He couldn’t let them catch on.
Keep it together. Stand your ground. Focus on the food. Focus on your friend’s
survival. Do what needs to be done.
Do what needs to be done.
“Eren?”
Eren turned his head and looked at Mikasa. “Huh?”
“Did you hear what I said? Are you okay?” Her eyes looked wearily at her
brother, her eyes jumped up and down his body quickly as she finally took in
the dirt and bruises on his body.
“Eren! What happened to you?! Why do you have bruises on your face?! And your
clothes!”
“What? Oh!” Eren looked down at himself in response, though he had already
known what he looked like. The little light coming from the moon thankfully
couldn’t show just how much damage there truly was.
Here we go Eren don’t fuck this up don’t fuck this up LIE EREN do what needs to
be done Eren do what needs to be done they cant know no one can know don’t show
it don’t show anything nothing happened remember you were cleaning and then
fighting fighting fighting no stop NO
The chains that had wrapped around Eren’s heart tightened, and his mind built
up walls of crystal. Not stone. Stone breaks. Stone falls. Stone doesn’t
protect. But crystal. This crystal… He is invulnerable. He is unbeatable. He is
impenetrable. With his mind and heart locked down, he knew, in these precious
seconds, that he could lie. He could lie to the faces of his dearest friends,
in order to protect them. Because it was for their protection. Because it was
also for his own.
Do what needs to be done.
“Oh yeah, I got lucky like Armin, thankfully!” Eren felt his body smile at his
friends, his mouth turning upwards. “Some bar owner saw me scrounging around,
and asked me if I wanted to clean up his place for food. But when I was doing
that, some drunks decided to pick on the dirty kid for fun, you know? I was
about to kick their asses when the owner stopped it for some reason!” Eren
heard himself scoff.  “But it was all fine, the owner said I could come back to
clean up again and he’d trade something else.”
“Oh, if you come back, I’ll meet you here again for a trade, you got me? I can
get loads of food for ya. You just gotta give me something too.”
Despite his reassurances, Mikasa looked concerned. “Cleaning up a bar? That’s
an actual job! Why doesn’t he pay you? And you shouldn’t be joining in fights,
Eren!”
“Well it’s not like I asked to fight!”
I didn’t ask I didn’t want I didn’t I didn’t
“Regardless, I don’t like how dangerous that situation is!”
“Oh, like becoming a thief is any better?? Stop being a hyprocrite! It worked
out didn’t it? That’s all that matters. I got a full loaf of bread out of it!
That’s better than anything you got!” Eren felt his blood pumping at Mikasa’s
arguments, and hated that she was still trying to be protective of him. It was
too late for that. It was way too late. Just hearing her try sent his temper
rising.
“Eren-”
Armin looked thoughtful and Mikasa argued with her brother. It was true, Eren
had gotten the best food out of all of them. While Armin had picked up two
measly cans of beans, Mikasa could only steal an apple, which had supposedly
fallen from a vendor’s cart and he packed up for the night. It seemed vendors
didn’t like being out after dark, and that had not gone well with their plans
at all. But evidently, if Eren could keep this cleaning job for food, then they
could probably last the rest of their time on the streets like this.
“Wait, Eren, why doesn’t the bar owner pay you instead of giving out food?”
Eren and Mikasa stopped arguing when Armin cut in, and Eren turned towards his
smaller friend. “Because I’m a dirty homeless kid, Armin, come on. Who would
pay me for a job right now? He’s taken pity on me. And he had me do the jobs
even his regular cleaning guy won’t do. So it works out. I’ll go back in a
couple of days, when we run out of this food, and I’ll get something else.”
Eren heard himself speak as the words came out smoothly, his ears staying the
same temperature, and his body relaxed. He felt as though it wasn’t even
himself speaking, that he was just watching a show. He saw Armin nod
attentively in response to his answer, accepting it as truth. Eren’s heart
jolted a little at the easy way he had lied to his friends, but as the chains
around his heart squeezed, he knew it was for their own good. And because it
was for them, it didn’t matter that Eren was feeling a little weird. It didn’t
matter that he felt as though he wasn’t really there, that he was hiding behind
his crystal walls safe from the swarming emotions that tried to drag him down
into a nightmarish tunnel of darkness, where hands were waiting to touch and
feel and hold and yank and pull and grab grab grab-
No. It didn’t matter. He was okay for now. He figured it out, how to lie. How
to face his friends with made up stories of the night. How to come to accept
that the exchange with that man (monster) was needed in order for them to
survive. So that’s what he’ll do. Keep Mikasa and Armin alive with enough food.
Because he’ll do what needs to be done.
Do what needs to be done.
And next time, he’ll bring more food.
 
Chapter End Notes
     Okay, give me another week for the next chapter hopefully! We'll
     begin on Eren's journey of become a kid prostitute, basically. Poor
     Eren is going to go through some tough stuff.
     COMMENTS KUDOS ANYTHING is super welcome! constructive criticism
     would be great, anything is great, really! every time i get a
     notification i try and write more for the chapter, so please drop a
     note:)
     oh, and i hope everyone had a Happy Valentine's Day!
***** Going Back *****
Chapter Summary
     Armin and Mikasa think Eren is acting strange, but Eren can't let
     them in.
     His only option to get them to back off is to hurt them.
     They're out of food again, and another trip is needed.
     Eren has to go back to the alley way for another trade.
Chapter Notes
     Im back! sorry its late, but it is longer! I am actually in the
     process of moving, so its been busy.
     BUT SERIOUSLY GuYS I don't know how i came up with this chapter, it
     def was not what i had intended, but the chapter kinda got away from
     me. 'shrugs'
     Soooo this is the outcome, i hope you guys enjoy!
     AND THANK YOU for the kind comments and kudos; i'm sorry i haven't
     replied to them yet, but know i honestly cherish each and every one!
See the end of the chapter for more notes
5 days later, Eren, Mikasa, and Armin had at last ran out of their small
collection of food. The bread had lasted them three whole days, while the apple
and can of beans had only lasted two days together. And although Armin and
Mikasa had figured Eren now had a tentative “job” that could bring in a steady
amount of sustenance, they were still weary of its ambiguous description.
Mikasa, who could not help her protectiveness of her brother, was especially
concerned of Eren going back to the so-called bar. But without evidence to stop
him, and with their next food trip about to take place, she could only come up
with a couple ideas that could possibly make her feel better about the
situation.
She had brought up both concepts to Armin the night before, but they barely had
time to discuss them before Eren had come back from his wandering off. She then
tried to wait until he had fallen asleep, but it ended up being for naught, as
it seemed as though he was having trouble sleeping the last couple of days. At
least more than usual. While it was hard for any of them to get a full nights
rest on a cold and disgusting floor that had no protection against the
elements, Eren’s eye bags had noticeably grown and darkened, leading Mikasa to
believe he was sleeping much less. He had also become more irritable, and
seemed to shove Mikasa away every time she talked to him. Though to be fair,
she usually tried to talk to him about his new bar “job”, so maybe she was
asking for a fight.
She really didn’t know how to explain it, call it a gut-feeling, or because of
their deep bond from childhood, but she knew something was off with Eren. Ever
since he had come back from the town with that stupid loaf of bread in his
hands, he had been… off. There was no other word to explain it. He wasn’t
acting overly different, no. He was still picking fights with her, and laughing
with Armin, and going crazy over the word, “Titan”. But sometimes he would stop
talking in the middle of a sentence and go quiet, such as when they were
talking about heading to the river to go wash, because Eren was so dirty from
his cleaning job the night before. Or when he had blanked out of his
conversation with Armin, who then touched his cheek out of concern, and Eren
had jumped about 10 feet into the air in panic. Of course, when questioned, he
confidently said that he was thinking of Titans, and had quickly gone on
another rampage, but Mikasa still wasn’t fully convinced, and neither was
Armin. All they knew was that these changes had started after he had come back
late from this first night of stealing, and she was determined to find out why.
 
 
“Eren? Can I talk to you?”
Eren turned his head from Armin, who had just been warning him about watching
his tongue around the bar people and to hold in his temper, so as not to get in
another fight and get roughed up again.
Ha. I’m just hoping to get back alive and in one piece, with a bucket of food
for us lying in my arms. And that’ll be worth it. That’ll be worth it, Armin.
I’ll get you food. I can see your bones Armin. Through those holes in your
shirt there. Bones, bones, one bone two bone three bone four-
“What? What’s up?”
Mikasa bit her lip, and saw Armin glance at her knowingly behind Eren’s back.
“I thought that I could go with you to your town, this time. I could work with
you and get more food that way.”
“What? No!” Automatic. There was no way Mikasa would ever step foot in that
town. Or Armin. He’d kill all of them if they even triedto touch his family.
Not them. Never them.
“Why not? It makes sense! I could-”
“NO Mikasa! The old man’s not giving me food out of the kindness of his heart
you know, he sees me as a piece of garbage. He won’t like another one of the
refugees hanging round. He said just me being there was bad enough for his bar.
There’s no way he’d let you work too.” Eren didn’t know what he was saying any
more, he just knew that he needed to drive Mikasa’s stupid plan away as far as
possible. Words came blurting out of him mouth and his firsts tightened in
anger, his body trembling in fear and anger for Mikasa.
Stupid stupid stupid! Mikasa stop please just don’t just don’t try please stop
But Mikasa couldn’t read Eren’s mind, and with her first plan already shot
down, she pushed on to her second plan instead. And despite Eren’s immediate
aggressiveness, Mikasa kept her calm demeanor in the face of her brother and
Armin.
“Then if you think he won’t let both of us work, then I’ll go this time
instead. And you can try my town. I can handle fighting better than you.” She
really couldn’t see how he could counter this option. It was logical after all,
it even had Armin’s seal of approval. Inside, she had a smug smile planted on
her mouth, behind her cool façade.
Eren’s mouth dropped in disguised horror, his mind bringing up awful images of
Mikasa taking his place. No. No. He could not, would not allow this. But what
to do what to do? 
In Eren’s lack of response, Armin piped up, “It does make sense Eren, Mikasa
could go this time, and you can try stealing again.”
They were ganging up on him. They didn’t understand! They couldn’t know what
they were asking. As Eren felt his anger and fear mix into a strange type of
adrenaline rush that boiled his blood, he growled out in panic,
“Shut up!”
Shut up shut up shut up shut up you don’t know you cant know how the fuck can
you even ask me you cant fight them cant win cant fight fight fight eren EREN
fight!
Whatever Mikasa was about to say in retort would never be known, as her eyes
widened at Eren’s frantic state and her mouth closed up.
“I’m so sick of you trying to protect me, Mikasa! Just stop it! I found this
job, I’ll be the one going!” Dear Gods, was Eren pulling anything he could use
from his mouth. He had to stop them, he had to. No matter what he said. He
would rather hurt them with his words, than have either of them get hurt like
he had been. “Besides, as you and Armin had so clearlypointed out, I don’t
fight as good as you! So then you should go steal instead! I don’t care about
getting roughed up, I can handle myself; I don’t need you! So go do your own
jobs, and worry about saving your own hide. And I’ll worry about mine.”
It felt as though ever since he had come back from that night, every word
spoken to Mikasa was repetitive. She had been bugging him again and again about
that stupid job, and she wouldn’t leave him alone. He had tried his best to
stomp down on her endless questions about the bar, but when it came to
protecting Eren, she was the most stubborn person on the planet. Only Eren
could stop her, but it looked as though he hadn’t done anything to make her
believe his lies. Unfortunately, in order to truly get her to back off, along
with Armin, he had to hurt her feelings. But better him than them hurting her.
Eren sighed in frustration and looked up at the sky, sunset had arrived. It was
time to go. He glanced back at Mikasa, whose face was blank, but mouth once
again open to fight.
But Eren angrily cut her off again before she could try to get another word in.
“You’re not my mom, Mikasa. Stop trying to replace her, because you can’t.
We’re not five years old anymore. I can protect myself, and I don’t need you.
So just back off, and leave me alone.” He turned to Armin, his heart drowning
in his own betrayal of his friends. But he knew that this was needed, he had to
get them to stop questioning him. He had to get them off his ass.
“You’re not helping things either! I know you’ve been talking to each other
about me, about if I can do this. Fuck off. I’m not some kid. I’m not weak.
Stop playing concerned parents and concentrate on what we need to survive.
Watch your own backs and don’t get yourselves killed. Get food. That all you
guys need to focus on.”
Eren watched as Armins eyes widened at his small speech, disbelief clouding
those blue orbs. But he couldn’t let that stop him. To drive the nail in the
coffin, Eren began walking out of the alleyway they called home, and as he
passed Mikasa, he threw his shoulder into her, making her stumble on her feet.
“Mikasa! Are you okay?” He heard Armin call.
A soft whisper. “...I’m fine.”
 
 
Please don’t hate me. I love you guys, I promise. I did it for you. I did it
for you!
As Eren walked out of their shared alleyway and down the side street towards
the way out of town, his felt his chest tighten and his lower lip tremble. His
eyes watered slightly, and he began to take shortened breaths, because he
suddenly couldn’t find enough air. Without his consent, two water tracks ran
down his face, and he quickly wiped them away with his thin shirt. Crying. He
knew why he was crying, and he couldn’t help it. He had been cruel to his
friends, and hated himself for it. Okay, yes, he had yelled at Mikasa and Armin
before, but never with malicious intent. And not with such a devious reason as
to why. Now he just felt so guilty for spouting all those words towards Armin
and Mikasa, who were only concerned for him, and had every right to be. But he
knew they couldn’t, they couldn’t pry into what he was going back to. And he
only had seconds, seconds! To think about how to get them to back off.  What
could he say, he panicked. It was the best he could’ve done, but how he hated
himself even more now. He could only hope they had the hearts to forgive his
behavior, and come to see it as the known appearance of “Angry Eren Who Was
Still Hurting From His Mom’s Death And Wanted Revenge.”
Which was true! That was still who he was, really, he was still focused on
killing Titans…eventually. But now… with starvation as their primary reason for
impending death, food was now his number one priority, and his focus was on
finding ways to get it. Titans would have to wait for another year.
So for now, he figured himself as “Traumatized Eren Who Was Keeping His Friends
Alive By Selling His Heart And Soul To Human Monsters.”
Well, at least his name was the same.
As Eren continued to walk, each foot seemed to weigh heavier and heavier, and
he found himself almost constantly turning around and running back to hide and
curl up in a sobbing ball of misery. He dreaded what he was walking towards.
What he was now consensually walking towards. And he knew it would be worse.
Much worse. Oh Gods, why was he doing this again?
Armin and MikasaArminand MikasaArminMikasaKeepthemAliveErenAlive
Do What Needs to Be Done.
And although Eren determinedly kept repeating this mantra to himself the whole
way to the town, his legs still shook like leaves in the wind, and his body
trembling as if it was freezing outside. His heart was pounding, and he could
help but keep licking his lips in nervousness. He felt tears come to his eyes
every few minutes, but he had quickly become quite good at preventing himself
from crying when he stayed focused, and so he kept his face dry. This trick had
been developed after he had gotten back 5 days ago from the first night, where
he had almost broken down when he tried to fall asleep between Armin and
Mikasa. That had not gone well.
He could stand their touch anymore. It wasn’t as if they had reminded him of
that man, but he had just felt so dirty, so used, and he was just so
overwhelmed with everything, that he couldn’t stomach any more physical
sensation, no matter the person. And it had only gotten worse from there.
He had been having more trouble sleeping, because nightmares of the trade in
the alley had formed. So he didn’t sleep much anymore.
He had gotten more irritable. More angry. More irrational. He knew, that
despite his newly built crystal shell and armor that guarded what was left of
himself, Mikasa and Armin could tell something was off. But he tried his best
to play it cool, and continued on as if nothing had happened to him. Yes, he
knew he messed up several times, such as flinching or not paying attention, but
if he could play his cards right, hopefully it’ll be forgotten.
Hopefully, anyways.
Mikasa and Armin finding out his dirty little secret really depended on his
actions after tonight, and Eren didn’t know if he would even survive it, let
alone come back and play “Happy Eren Who Brings Food Back To Friends.”
 
 
Eren just knew- as he finally saw the outskirts of the dreaded town- that he
had to shut himself off as soon as he finds the alleyway again, because even
the place would set off his pounding heart and shaking fists. He might even
throw up just looking at it, based on how his stomach was feeling already.
The town looked the same, still rather small and neglected. He could relate to
it, really. Every step he took that brought him closer to the alley made him
feel smaller and smaller, and hopeless to what was to come. He could hear the
laughter coming from the bar already, mixing in with the other rowdy social
groups that lingered outside and farther down the street. Sticking to the
shadows once again, Eren couldn’t help but scan the faces he could see as he
walked closer to the bar. He didn’t know if the man was already there, looking
for him. It was still earlier then the last time he had come, after all. But
Eren couldn’t help but tremble as he glanced at each man’s face.
I don’t see him.
And while the thought helped his body relax a little, at least to stop
trembling so badly, his mind refused to unwind.
He could be waiting for me there already.
He clenched his jaw at the thought, and as the alleyway came closer and Eren
could no longer walk unless he passed it, he bit his lip, took a shaky breath,
and forced himself to quickly turn into the alleyway before he could think more
on it. But he was so terrified, so nervous, that his eyes closed shut without
his consent, and he reached out for the brick wall nearest to his left side to
help balance himself. He felt the rough texture with his palm, sliding it down
to gain some type of feeling for his petrified body. Oddly enough, the feeling
comforted Eren, and he ended up practically plastering himself to the cool
wall, knocking his forehead on the rough barrier.
Taking shakier breathes, he felt as though he could finally open his eyes, and
he cautiously glanced out to the right, looking deeper into the dark passage.
Darkness. Nothing. Sound? No. No shadows either. No, there was nobody down
there.
He wasn’t down there.
Eren let out a breath of relief, and took himself off the wall in adrenaline-
filled bravery. He looked down the alley for a few more seconds, noticing the
trash had already been taken out by the bar. Eren walked over to the bags, and
began digging in them for any edible leftovers.
There’s no food here. Just junk. Metal. Torn fabric. Nothing edible. Fuck.
Well, there went Eren’s tiny hope; that there would’ve been something he could
take back to his friends without waiting to become a fuck toy for the man.
But there was nothing. He should have known. He wasn’t lucky after all was he?
Not smart like Armin, either, or strong like Mikasa. He wasn’t anything, like
the trash.
Huh. He was trash, wasn’t he?
I’m trash. Garbage. Nothing.
 
Two hours later, Eren had fought his way through two separate anxiety attacks,
bit his lip until it bleed, and formed a bruise on the back of his head from
knocking it into the wall so many times in anger and helplessness. He had also
found the only comfort he could in the very darkest corner of the alley, where
he curled up in a little ball and kept his sharp gaze on anyone who passed by
the opening at the street. It was the perfect place to keep watch, and he had
settled himself down in order to calm himself down for when the time came.
Unfortunately, he wasn’t doing a very good job. It seemed as though Eren could
pass as functional and normal with others around, at least Armin and Mikasa,
but when alone, his chains and crystal walls tended to disappear, and he was
left alone on a sinking boat in the middle of Emotional Ocean.
I guess we’ll see if I can hold it together if the man comes.
Which Eren didn’t know if he wanted him to actually show up or not. His mind
was pulled in both directions. On one hand, if the man comes he can get food,
but with an addition of more Traumatized Eren. On the other, he doesn’t get
food, but he stayed where he was on the sinking mental boat.
He was rationalizing that food meant survival, so really, there was only one
option here. Besides, it didn’t matter what Eren wanted, no. It was more of
what Eren needed. And that was food.
So he needed the man to come.
But as yet another quick shadow walked passed the alleyway, and Eren’s heart
once again jumped in nervousness, he couldn’t help but think the man was never
going to come back, despite what he had said.
Maybe he wasn’t good enough.
He had fought back, and didn’t know what was happening. Maybe the man didn’t
like that? But he did say he was coming back, didn’t he?
Didn’t he?
Eren felt so conflicted, and his mind was jumping from thought to thought,
panicking at the notion of coming back to Armin and Mikasa with no food.
Then what would I tell them?
I’m nothing.
I’m not worth anything.
No, he couldn’t come back empty handed. Selling himself had worked the first
time; he would just have to find another person who would give him food for his
body. He would have to. He had to, despite how his nauseous stomach jumped in
objection.
Yet Eren slowly stood, using the wall behind him as support for his shaky legs,
and began taking small steps out of the alley. He was wasting precious time
sitting there, after all.
Do what needs to be done, Eren. Shut off your mind. Become nothing. You are
nothing.
A shadow.
Halfway through the alleyway, the opening at the street suddenly became
occupied by a large figure.
Eren froze, and his heart began to pound so loud he thought he was having a
heart attack. His mouth dried up, and his body tensed in fright.
Oh Gods OhGods ohGodsohGods helpmenonononoidontwanttodothisichangedmymind
Yet Eren stood as still as a statue, and the large figure swaggered forward,
the light from the moon barely catching his smirking face.
It’s him.
Frozen. Eren was frozen- mind and body- and could not think or move from his
spot in the ally. Tightened up in fright, he could only stare into the leering
face that came closer every booming step, until the man bent down to his
height, and it was only inches from his own.
“Hey Runt, I missed ya.”
Oh Gods.
He knew he looked like a frightened deer that recognized they were being
hunted, which made the man chuckle to himself.
“I was waitin’ on ya, ya know.” The man thrusted his huge hands inside his
black trouser pockets, and began to slowly circle Eren, as if he was sizing him
up for something.
Eren kept his eyes forward, and listened as each foot hit the ground beside
him. Every step shook at Eren’s heart, but he dared not fall to the ground in
fear just yet. His mind was starting to come back to him, and with it, came his
crystal walls. It was easier as the man slowly circled him-although he was
looking at Eren like it was his lucky day- because the 11 year old boy felt
slightly better when he couldn’t see him at all.
But only slighty.
Even then, it was enough to shock Eren’s awareness level, and he focused his
concentration on mentally building up his walls and chaining his heart. He
could hear the man in the background begin to talk again, but he couldn’t
listen just yet. He refused to listen until he knew that he would be able to
get through this whole ordeal without breaking.
So he built. Crystals. Hard, rock solid layer after layer after layer,
surrounding his frail mind and wrapping him up in indestructible crystal. He
didn’t know what the rock was really made of, but he knew that it was
impossible to break. No one could get past it, and that’s what really mattered.
The man could never touch him here. He was safe inside his cave, and holding
his heavily chained heart close to his body, Eren let himself sleep.
 
 
“So, I’ll trade another loaf of bread for ya, and three cans of beans. I’ll
even throw in this chunk of cheese, for good behavior.”
Another lecherous grin.
Green eyes focused on the brown haired man standing in front of him.
“Trade?”
Laughter. “Yeah, Runt. Trade. Ya should be worth about that. It’s a good deal
for ya.”
Thinking. “…Can you get any kind of food?”
The man stood back at full height, crossed his arms, and looked slightly
impressed. “Hoh, someone’s getting smart. Ya, I got a hand dipped in some pots
here and there. But that’s all I got for today. Take it or leave it, Runt-boy.
We can work something out for next time. Kapeesh?”
Eren felt himself swallow.
“Okay.”
A lust-filed grin was caught by the moon’s light.
“Then let’s get started.” 
 
Chapter End Notes
     Hope it wasn't too rough! i told you guys it went in a different
     direction then intended, but i hope it ended up alright.
     actually, I DO HAVE A QUESTION: Obviously, the next chapter will be
     very dark. AND thinking of writing those dark scenes is kinda
     weirding me out! 'shudder'.
     ANYWAYS; do you want me to go into detail during the "trade"? or
     kinda gloss over it? I'm thinking I'll shadow over it if you know
     what I mean, because Eren has locked himself in his own mind, like
     dissociation.
     SO PLEASE give me your opinions! if you want it dark, I will do it!
     but if enough of you don't, let me know.
     THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT :) reviews give me inspiration! i'm
     looking at next saturday for the next update.
***** The Destruction and Rebirth of Eren *****
Chapter Summary
     Eren goes back for a trade.
     He's destroyed.
     Just what kind of Eren returns to Armin and Mikasa?
Chapter Notes
     WOW! Hey Guys! Thanks so much for all the suggestions and comments! I
     loved hearing your opinions and reviews. Now, it seems that i always
     have an idea of every chapter so far, but its like when i type, the
     chapter writes itself and goes in a completely different direction!
     imagine that.
     SO I HOPE this meets your approval, as i am kind of in love with how
     much i mentally damage Eren, (SORRY), but it was needed, i promise!
     PLEASE read the tags, as this is a underage/rape story.
See the end of the chapter for more notes
Pounding.
His head?
No, wait.
His heart.
No, wait, there-
There was something else, what else was-
Wait no wait WAIT
Thrust.
Stop Stop No please It Hurts So Bad
Thrust.
I… I can’t do this
Thrust.
Please…
Thrust.
“Fuck, you’re a tight little thing.”
Please.
Thrust.
PLEASE!
 
 
“Hey, Runt.”
A male’s blurry face came into view.
“Next week, yeah? That was fucking good. I’ll even try to bring some meat for
ya. If you haven’t got enough already, geddit? Hahaha.”
Laughter. Footsteps. Then- no. Nothing but darkness.
It was so dark.
And…
Wetness.
On his face? Yes, he was crying.
Shivering. He was cold too.
Naked.
His body curled in closer for warmth.
Oh.
Apparently his face wasn’t the only part of his body that was wet.
 
 
The next time Eren opened his eyes, it was still dark out. It was as silent as
a graveyard, with no one in sight of the alleyway. Slowly blinking, Eren
gradually became more aware of himself and of his surroundings. He was naked
and curled up in a little ball on the dirty ground, with his torn clothes
tossed to the side and a small pile of food on top. He let out a sigh of relief
at the sight, and attempted a small smile.
But too quickly, the small upturn of his lips disappeared and instead began to
tremble into a quiet sob, and his eyes watered again like an overflowing river.
The trembling seemed to be contagious, and his body violently shook along with
his mouth. His quivering hands, which were curled up near his face, grabbed at
the ground, unconsciously trying to look for something to keep himself in
reality. His nails dug into the cold earth, tiny rocks cutting up his
fingertips because of the force used. His eyes, battling the unwavering salty
tears, glanced back at the food sitting innocently in a pile across from him,
and his face gradually twisted into a determined-like expression, despite the
tears running down his reddened cheeks. He huffed out a ragged breath, pressed
down on the dirty earth, and turned his shaking body until his knees and hands
were holding him up. His drooped head faced the ground, and the tears left his
face to drop down into the dirty gravel. Snot from his nose followed slowly,
and caught the end pieces of his hair. Gravity… everything was falling away
from him, and into the mushy dirt. His tears, his drool, his-
Something was leaking out of his-
Tell me that isn’t what I think it is please oh please
It was as if time had stopped- Eren couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move, could only
feel-
I can feel something-
Something wet dripped out of Eren’s backside, and slowly slithered downward,
sliding down the inside of his thighs, and down on the side of his knees, until
it began forming a tiny red pool in the ground.
No no nonono please no-
He didn’t want his guess to be right, but he was too frightened to not find
out, so Eren reached a violently shaking hand to his backside, sliding his
middle finger down until it caught on his inflamed asshole, feeling small wet
globs of come and sticky blood dripping out. He brought his hand back to stare
at what he had felt sliding out of him, and seeing a sticky mix of white and
red, fat tears sprung to his eyes. Eren threw his hand down to the ground and
rubbed it into the earth to try and get rid of the evidence. His breathing
turned erratic- his lungs could not find enough air, his face becoming swollen
with the amount of crying that had begun to emerge.
Everything seemed to hit Eren then; his pain, his emotions, his vulnerability.
His body was hurting, his ass was on fire, his throat felt raw, and he could
feel his palms and knees bleeding.
He didn’t feel any of that a few minutes ago.
But the pain from his waist down was quickly becoming a rising fire of deep
agony, reaching inside as though it was burning his muscles one by one. His
shaking became even more violent, he could barely hold himself up- and he felt
his teeth chattering even though it wasn’t that cold anymore.
 He felt as though he would collapse any second, but some in the back of his
mind knew that if he dared fall, he’d lie there until he died. So, despite the
pain he was feeling, despite feeling torn in half and seeing the disgusting
evidence of what had happened to him rubbed into the pebbles on the ground, he
slowly began to crawl his way across the small alleyway, and toward his clothes
and food. He focused his breathing to a manageable pace, and made sure his
shaking limps would not give out on him as he crawled.
The way he saw it, he could stay there and die, or he could get up and fight,
but that’s it, there’s no turning back.
He moved at a snail’s pace, because every foot he gained, he seemed to also
increase his pain. The width of the alleyway was not large by any means, but in
Eren’s situation, it seemed as though he had to cross the whole of Wall Rose.
As he crawled, his bloodied knees and palms began to leave imprints of blood on
the ground, along with the trail that dripped from Eren’s ass, and the tears
that left his reddened face. 
comeonErenalmostthere
Gasping out his breaths, he finally collapsed into the wall as he reached the
other side of the alley, and clumsily reached for his clothes that were under
the pile of food. He snatched up his raggedy shirt and threw it over himself,
trying his best not to get any blood on it.
He just didn’t want to feel so naked anymore.
He let out a sigh of relief at the small feeling of comfort he received from
the sensation of his shirt on his skin, despite the small holes that were
beginning to accumulate everywhere from overuse.
The shirt helped Eren’s mental space a little, and allowed him to calm himself
until he could breathe more normally and the tears stopped flowing. As he sat
there for longer, the trembling slowed down to a faint whisper, and the pain
seemed to have reached a standstill at an aching level.
Some part of Eren knew he shouldn’t put on his pants just yet- having run out
of underwear long ago on the streets- lest he get blood on them, but he
couldn’t think of any way to wash the blood (AndHIScomedontforgetEren)off of
his body. And there was no way he was walking out of the alley without pants
on.
Probably get raped again.
He threw the back of his hands at his face in despair at the thought, grounding
them into his eyes as if it was making his thoughts disappear.
No NO thiswasntrapeitWasntrape
I let it happen.
I LET it happen.
Eren’s eyes spied his bloody trail on the ground.
I let him do this to me.
We traded.
The pile of food was caught in the corner of his eye.
I did what needed to be done.
Oh. He was crying again.
 
 
Time passed. Eren had sat there for quite a while, and in the back of his mind,
he knew he would be late getting back to Armin and Mikasa. He had eventually
pulled on his pants, which had taken quite the effort, as a throbbing agony had
ripped through the lower half of his body when stepping into the ragged
trousers. He was pretty sure there was a growing dark spot on the backside now,
but didn’t find it in himself to care just yet. He had wasted enough time
crying, and needed to get the food back to his friends. He needed to come to
terms with what had happened, build up his façade, and begin the walk home.
Because, as Eren looked at the pile of food on the ground, he knew he had to
get back to Armin and Mikasa. And in one piece, preferably.
“So, I’ll trade another loaf of bread for ya, and three cans of beans. I’ll
even throw in this chunk of cheese, for good behavior.”
Eren grimaced as he heard the man’s voice in his head, as his glanced as the
food in concern. In the sorry state he was in, he knew he couldn’t carry it all
back by hiding it in his clothes. Plus, he’d probably get his blood on the
food… No, he needed to find a box to carry it all in, despite the fear of
others stealing it. If anyone on the streets saw him alone and with this much
food, he’d be done for. His best bet was to be quiet and fast, sticking to the
shadows as much as possible.
“I’ll even throw in this chunk of cheese, for good behavior.”
Eren shook his head as he heard the voice again. He spied the garbage bags he
had rifled through earlier looking for food, and gently heaved himself up
before limping toward them at a slow pace. He dropped down on his knees slowly,
mindful of his wounds, and tore through the bags until he found a small wooden
box he could use. Yes, that would definitely work. He pushed himself up again,
groaning at the sharp pain, and limped his way back to the food.
“…chunk of cheese, for good behavior.”
Eren dropped down again at the food, hastily grabbing at the loaf of bread to
throw in the box.
“…chunk of cheese, for good behavior.”
His shaking hands tossed in the cans of beans.
“…for good behavior.”
He snatched the cut of cheese into his hand, almost crushing it with his
trembling grip, and threw it into the box.
Out of sight, out of mind.
He refused to think about it any longer. He had to get home. Well, really, he
had to wash up first. So he needed to go to the river before meeting Mikasa and
Armin, otherwise they would figure out what had happened.
What had really happened? I don’t remember all of it.
Well, Eren thought, maybe that was for the best. He really only remembered some
vague flashes, which were traumatizing enough on their own.
Either way, don’t think about it Eren.
With the box in his hands, he set out of the alleyway limping, and tried his
best to be as quiet as possible as he made his way through the sleeping town.
As Eren shuffled on, he knew that he had to get a hold of his mental state
before meeting his friends. They were evidently going to ask why his palms and
knees were torn up, obvious through the holes in his pants. 
But as he tried his best to reinforce his crystal walls over his mind, he knew
there was no way that they could have fully protected him from what had
happened in the alleyway. He had done his best to separate himself from the
event, but his body had still been taken, and his mind had still been
traumatized beyond belief. He could hear whispers of what the man had said to
him in his ear, he could still feel large hands bruising his hips, he could
still feel his lungs crying for air when his throat was blocked by something…
something-
Something that had torn him up and blindsided him with the most pain he had
ever felt in his life.
Something that had him bloodied and limping to wash away the evidence.
Something that had ripped him apart, used him for pleasure, and deemed his body
worthy of a loaf of bread, 3 cans of beans, and piece of cheese.
Right.
Because he had been good, apparently.
“So fucking good, love your tight little body.”
Eren shook his head again to get rid of the disturbing voice. Tears threatened
his eyes once again, and his heart pounded in a fearful response of the slight
memory. He felt his stomach grow nauseous at the thought, and did his best to
hold down the bile that was clawing up his shredded throat.
It felt like it was burning him from the inside out.
Eren gulped the rising vomit back down, the sharp pain making him gasp. Tears
specked the corner of his eyes, but he refused to begin crying again. He
gritted his teeth and hastened his pace towards the river, still carrying the
box of food in his arms.
He refused to stop. If he stopped and thought about it more, he knew he
wouldn’t get back up again.
He could stay there and die, or he could get up and fight, but that’s it,
there’s no turning back.
He would do his best to fight. Fight for Mikasa, Fight for Armin. Fight for
their survival.
Because he didn’t care for himself. No. He would do anything for his friends.
So he would let the man use him. Let the man use his body. Just let him save
his friends. Let him save his family.
 
 
Finally.
Eren saw the dark river that marked the edge of the city that he, Armin, and
Mikasa resided in. He could hear the hidden water through the trees; it was so
quiet out in the night that his uneven breathing had been the only sound he
could listen to on the journey out of town. It had hurt, Gods, how it had hurt
Eren, the painful walk that was accompanied with a noticeable limp and blood
drops every few feet. He thought the injury had finally settled, but it seemed
that walking had did him no favors down there, and he knew he really needed to
wash himself and his pants. During the walk to the river, he had to feel the
uncomfortable sensation of blood and semen sliding between his ass cheeks, and
it only served as a nasty reminder of what he had recently went through. He
couldn’t stop himself from thinking of why he was hurting so badly down there,
and for the last half hour of walking, all he had been wishing for was to clean
the dirt, the blood, him- from his body. He just felt so dirty.
He felt disgusting.
And although the water could physically wash off the filthy blood and semen,
Eren doubted he would ever feel clean again. No. he had been used and torn and
shredded from the inside out. But he figured he could survive like this;
because only he would know about the true devastation of injuries that laid
inside him. If the water did its job on the outside, and Eren could reinforce
his crystal walls to protect Armin and Mikasa from the truth, then he could
deal with himself internally later.
Though he already knew that no matter how hungry he was, he wouldn’t be eating.
There was no way he would eat until his ass could heal a little more. He
wouldn’t survive an infection. No, he could pretend, but he would just have to
hide the food until he thought his body could handle it. At least for another
day.
He just hoped his stomach would understand… hunger pains were horrible to have.
Eren reached the bank of the small river, relieved to find no one near it.
Really, with all the refugees around, nowadays many tried to camp out by the
river for its various resources it could provide. Drinking water, baths,
toilets- yes, the small river was quite valuable to everyone for one thing or
another, despite its unsanitariness. But with that in mind, the Military Police
liked to make sure that any refugee camping out near the water spent the next
few days with some bruises and broken bones. Later on, they were lucky anyone
on the river survived an encounter with the MP’s, because no one important
enough seemed to care what they did to the refugees- they were taking up Wall
Rose’s valuable resources, after all.
Luckily, at this time at night, Eren couldn’t see anyone. The couple of MP’s
that liked to sit by the river were most likely passed out from having fun at
the bars in town, anyways. And no refugees were stupid enough to camp on the
banks anymore. So Eren limped himself over to the edge of the water, dropping
off the box of food in a patch of grass before taking off his shirt and pants.
He was careful pulling off his clothing, but had to groan in pain when he felt
a sharp sting race up his spine when he stepped out of his pants. He didn’t
have to wash his shirt-luckily he had gotten no blood on it- but definitely
need to wash his pants. They had a huge dark stain in the back, which was still
slightly damp.
Hopefully I can get this out.
He grimaced to himself as he brushed his fingers over the damp fabric, trying
not to think about why there was a blood spot on the back of his clothing. He
let out a deep breath and jumbled up his pants in his hand, and stepped into
the slow river until he was waist deep.
He had only water to clean himself and his pants, and he knew- from his
experience in the fall of Wall Maria- that blood would not come out with only
that. His best bet was to scrub the pants as hard as he could without tearing a
new hole in them, and then throwing some dirt on the whole area so it looked
like a huge stain.
Great. So really, he had to get his pants dirty as soon as they were clean.
Eren focused on washing his pants first, unconsciously trying to put off
washing himself. But eventually he could scrub no harder, and threw his wet
pants on the bank where the food and his shirt sat. All that was left was
washing himself.
Right.
His palms and knees had stung for a while when he had first stepped into the
river, but as he spent more time in the water, the cuts had cleaned and he only
had to rub out the dried blood. He quickly ran his hands over his legs and
torso, trying not to get water on his upper half.  Mikasa and Armin would
notice if he had fully bathed, as it had all been a while since they had
visited the river. Their hair was dirty, and their skin had layers of grime
settled on it, and a clean head of hair along with whitened skin would
definitely cause some questions that morning.
But Eren could eventually procrastinate no further, and forced himself to brush
his fingers against his anus. His breathing staggered as he felt a small sting,
but continued to push himself. He wouldn’t think about it. No, he couldn’t
think about it.
Just clean up already, Eren.
His ragged breathing grew gradually louder, the sound echoing loudly in the
silence of the night, and his body tensed as he forced his first finger to
slowly penetrate himself.
“Nngh…ow ow ow!”
Oh it hurt. How it hurt. Just his finger, barely inside, and he already felt
the beginnings of the  crippling sensation that had been his ultimate agony
back in the alleyway.
He could feel the man, he could feel him, inside… inside,hurting,oh gods did it
hurt, it hurt so bad- please, please stop!
Eren gasped in terror as the faint flashback tormented his mind, phantomlike
sensations tingled over his body, his muscles tightening in response. His body
tensed, and that only made the pain worse. He removed his fingertip as fast as
he could without hurting himself more, and yanked his hand up out of the water.
Without thinking, he quickly bit down on the meaty part of his hand, hard,
despite the open cuts layered on the skin, and let out a screaming sob. His
eyes clenched shut, and his bite became deeper, almost creating a bloody wound
of its own. Thankfully, Eren had just enough sense left in him to keep himself
from harming his body even further.
But he needed this. He had to smother the scream somehow.
Gods, his emotions were everywhere. He couldn’t keep it together. He felt as if
his blood was boiling over, that his head was breaking open, that his heart
would drum so hard that it would open up his chest cavity and everything- his
secrets, his feelings, his past- would all come gushing out for everyone to
see. For everyone to look at.
“He did what?”
“Yeah, he’s been selling himself.”
“He’s disgusting.”
“How much for a night?”
“He’s a boy toy.”
“A whore.”
“Worth just a couple of canned goods!”
He could hear them talk in his head. The people he passes by every day, their
faces looking at him in disgust. Men peeking at him in the corner of their
eyes, waving food at his face, asking for a trade.
Quickly, his screaming turning into quiet sobbing, and his mouth let go of his
hand, drool sliding over the indented skin until it was dropped into the water.
He could practically see Mikasa’s and Armin’s faces, looking at him in horror
and shame.
Gods, they can never know.
They will never know.
Get ahold of yourself or they’ll find out!
Eren took a shaky breath, his crying steadily slowing down to faint whimpers.
He eventually brought up his hands to wipe at his eyes, getting rid of the last
of his crying for the night. He couldn’t shed anymore tears; his face needed to
calm down, or else everyone would know that he had been crying. He looked up
into the dark sky, the moon shining behind a couple of clouds. He took another
breath, deeper this time, and slowly nodded to himself.
Do what needs to be done.
Hide yourself, Eren.
Eren began to shut himself down again, his crystal walls appearing, sturdy and
strong in his mind. Their appearance seemed to come easier to Eren every time
he thought of their protection and safety. And right now, he needed them to get
him through the rest of the night.
Hide his broken body.
Hide his lies and tears.
Hide his chaotic mind.
Erect an Eren that came back from a long night of cleaning off the dirt and
grime from the bar, who had gotten in another fight, and scraped up his hands
and knees on the gravel with picking up trash.
Hide his sore throat and limp by pretending he wasn’t in pain.
He wasn’t in pain.
He’s not in pain.
Okay.
Clean yourself up, Eren.
 
 
Eren practiced his walk the rest of the way home. It was hard not to limp, but
after a while on the road, he got used to the painful sensation every time he
took a step. It was also much more helpful not having blood and semen sliding
around in his backside every step.
As he had finished finally washing himself in the river, he had also built his
crystal wall more firmly, wrapping it around himself like a blanket. It would
be his façade, and he knew it had to be a good one. Mikasa and Armin were
already suspicious about the whole job, and he knew that they would notice
anything that was off when he came back. He focused his mind now to play an
Eren who was tired from working, but happy to bring back so much food. An Eren
who was glad to see his friends, and apologize for his behavior earlier,
because he knew he had been a complete jerk to them. An Eren who would mention,
oh by the way, I did get in a fight, that’s why I’m a little scratched up, fell
into the mud you see, that why my pants are so dirty, but it’s okay Mikasa, I’m
fine!
This Eren needed to be unbreakable. He admits, the first time he came back,
there were cracks. He let himself slip, let Mikasa and Armin worry about him.
But this time, yes, this time- Eren wouldn’t give them anything to worry over.
Eren would be his normal 11 year old self to his friends, and they would never
notice anything different.
Never.
Eren finally reached his town, knowing he was much later than usual, and his
arms were tired of carrying the box for so long. His pants were still drying,
but the backside was dirty enough that he couldn’t pick out the bloodstain
separately, so he figured that would be good enough. After getting out of the
river, he had rolled himself in the dirt so that his wet pants could hide the
stain. It was like he had never taken a quick bath, if you didn’t question why
his pants were wet.
He turned down the main road of the town, sticking to the sides of the
buildings, as he could barely see because it was so dark. He tried his best to
be quiet, for if any other stragglers saw him with a box, especially if they
were other refugees, he could easily be robbed and killed. And if any MP’s saw
him, they would automatically figure the food was stolen goods, most likely
because the cans looked like they were from soldiers rations. At least that’s
what Eren thought- he remembered Hannes eating from cans like them.
Reaching the alleyway he and his friends called home, he turned inside and
briskly walked further down, where he saw two huddled shadows in the end
corner.
“Armin, Mikasa!”
The two figures jumped up. “Eren!”
They ran and tried to hug him, but the box in his hands got in the way.
“What’s in the box?” Armin asked, his hands coming up to open the top.
“Food! Look at how much I got this time.”
Erin grinned at them as he motioned for Armin to open the box. Their eyes
widened as they peered inside, and Armin began slowly pulling the goods out of
it.
“three cans… bread… and- cheese?” Armin questioned. “Cheese? Really? Wow!”
“He gave you all that, Eren? That’s- wait! What happened to your hands?”
Mikasa’s eyes widened slightly, her eyes featured on Eren’s scrapped palms,
barely noticeable from his hold on the box.
“And, and you pants… Why are they all wet? What happened, did you get in
another fight again?”
Eren grinned at them sheepishly.
“Ah- well, yeah, but I’m fine!” Eren took the box and propped on the side of
the wall, and slowly sat down where the small next of blankets were. “And I
fell into the mud, the guy pushed me into it, right before I was leaving. He
was just mad I was a refugee, you know? I was actually lucky he didn’t take the
food.”
Keep calm, Eren, you’re fine, it doesn’t hurt I promise, forget it, focus Eren,
focus on the story.
“That’s really lucky, actually,” Armin stated, his eyes looking thoughtfully at
Eren. “That was risky of you to walk back with that all in a box, instead of
hiding it all in your clothes. You could’ve been hurt.”
“I know, but I was exhausted from cleaning, and I didn’t want dirt to get on
the food!”
Stupid, stupid! Stupid excuse Eren, you didn’t think about that you didn’t
think did you really Eren you didn’t want your BLOOD on the food hurry change
the subject come on focus EREN
He laughed quickly, looking away. “Look, its fine- really! I’m here. Anyways,
um… look, I… I just wanted to say I’m sorry for earlier. You know- with what I
said and everything.” He looked back at his friends, his green eyes pleading
for forgiveness.
“Oh Eren.” Mikasa looked back at him, sighed quietly, and sat down next to him
on the ground, pulling at a thin blanket to cover them both. Armin followed
suit, pausing just beforehand to put the food back in the box, hide it with the
other few goods Mikasa had stolen earlier, and settled down on the other side
of Eren. They had been waiting up all night for their friend to return home,
and now that Eren was here, sleepiness came rushing in at full force.
“Of course we forgive you. I just worry… you and Armin are all I have left.”
Her eyes connected with Eren’s, before she laid her head on his shoulder. “I
can’t lose you.”
Eren’s body tensed at Mikasa’s touch, but slowly relaxed, his head falling on
top of hers.
“You won’t.”
Armin’s hand sneaked into Eren’s, linking their palms together. He felt the
scratches on his friend’s palm, and frowned.
“We’re here for you, Eren. Don’t forget that. We’ll make it through this.”
Armin tightened his blanket, cuddling up to his friend’s side, and yawned.
Eren glanced at Armin, who head had knocked onto Eren’s shoulder in sleepiness.
“I know we will.”
Eren closed his eyes in exhaustion, and prayed that he would fall asleep
without nightmares.
Chapter End Notes
     WOW POOR EREN.
     Please let me know what you thought! i'm really excited for this
     chapters response. Love you all!
     Next time, We'll MOST LIKELY see Mikasa and Armin's thoughts on Eren,
     and Eren's establishment of a trading routine in the town. Will he
     have more offers?
***** You break me down, You build me up *****
Chapter Summary
     Eren tries to evade a problem without being caught.
     Mikasa is still in protection mode.
     Armin thinks ahead, and brings up a good question.
Chapter Notes
     HEEEY guys! :D
     okay, REALLY FAST:
     -I was expecting to be way more ahead in this story in this chapter,
     but turns out i needed to add in some things, so this is really more
     of a filler :( and i hate fillers so i'm so sorry!
     -Def not my favorite chapter but it needed to be done.
     -Hope it's not too bad :(
     _Didn't reread it so i hope the flow isn't too choppy and hope it
     makes sense lol
See the end of the chapter for more notes
With the food that both Eren and Mikasa had gotten the night before, they knew
that they would last for around week if they saved it well. Mikasa had ended up
coming back with two potatoes, but Armin ran into some trouble with some over
refugee scavengers that night and had to come back empty handed. Nevertheless,
the food they now had was a small feast for the three orphans, and they made
sure to keep a careful watch on their tiny territory in the alley, lest someone
else came around to try and steal from them.
When Armin had woken the morning after, Eren had already left for the day,
which was odd in itself. Usually, two of them would go out in the mornings to
look for some time of work, despite never finding any. They just blended in
with the crowd, and were never picked over more capable adults. Generally,
Armin stayed in their alley, protecting their food and home while Mikasa and
Eren searched. They would have better luck being picked up than Armin, who
looked more fragile and frail than his friends. No, Armin used his days
primarily for finding shelter supplies. He was the best out of the three when
trading items with refugees, such as with blankets or clothes. Mikasa
frightened too many with her blank stare, and Eren didn’t have the patience.
Really, Armin had the best social skills out of the three, and he did his best
to be useful for Eren and Mikasa. For the past few weeks, he had actually been
on an unsuccessful hunt for more blankets, because in a few months, the cold
would be creeping in and they needed some type of warmth to survive. Winter on
the streets would be a challenge for them, and with all the refugee shelters
still filled, they needed to start preparing now if they wanted to survive.
But that wouldn’t happen if Eren disappeared like this. It’s not like this was
uncommon, Eren occasionally went off on his own- which drove Mikasa insane- but
he usually never did in the early mornings. Instead, they typically used this
time to plan out their day, such as who stays to guard their home and who goes
out to look for work. Or what Armin can use to trade for clothes. On rare
occasions, they would wake up when dawn had just arrived, and go take a quick
bath in the river before any Military Police began patrolling.
He figured he could trade the potatoes Mikasa stole for a couple of blankets if
he got lucky. Or, He could trade the cans of beans. Once Eren got back and
Mikasa woke up, they could discuss what they were willing to give up. Though he
already knew there was no way they would trade the bread or cheese. The bread
would last them the longest, and the cheese had nutrients that were valuable to
their bodies. No, they would have to give up either the beans or potatoes.
Armin felt Mikasa shift her head on his lap, where it had fallen when Eren had
left. She slowly blinked her eyes open, squinting at the early morning light
that fell into the darker alley.
“Armin? Where’s Eren?” She asked, sitting herself up, wrapping herself tighter
in her blanket.
“He must have left already, he was gone when I woke up.”
Mikasa frowned.
“Why would he leave so early in the morning? He knows we need to plan out what
to eat and save for the next couple of days…”
Armin’s eyes glanced at the bottom of the wall that contained the hiding spot-
a couple of loose bricks- that held their small pile of food. “I guess we can
do it ourselves, Eren knows what we’d want to do when we woke up. He’ll
probably be back soon.”
“…if he’s not back after were done sorting I’m going to go look for him.”
Armin sighed and nodded his head, not wanting to argue, and got up to go grab
the food. He loosened the bricks on the bottom- Armin had created this storage
spot when they found this area to live in- and pulled out the box of food.
Sitting back down by Mikasa, they both began sorting the food into days,
murmuring to each other about what would last for the three of them, and for
how long.
They didn’t need much food per day anymore, as their bodies were used to
starving and could survive on just a little amount of food. The bread could
last all of them three days, the cans a day each, and same with the potatoes.
The cheese, they decided, was a rare gift, and would be eaten a little every
day. This gave them about a week’s worth of food, considering they still needed
to decide what to take out and trade for blankets. They also eventually
decided- reluctantly on Mikasa’s part- that they could eat more per day
depending on when Eren would go back to his ‘job’.
Armin had just noticed something odd about the cans of beans in his hands when
he saw Mikasa snap her head to look at the opening of the alley.
“Eren!”
Armin turned around, spotting Eren’s figure walking down the alleyway towards
them. He was smiling, but looked tired- he had dark circles under his eyes.
With his hands cradling something small near his stomach, Eren walked to their
corner of their alley, and sat down next to Armin.
“Morning! Uh- sorry about not being here,” He said sheepishly, shrugging his
shoulders. “I thought I saw berries last night on the walk back, and decided to
go check and see before anyone else found them!”
Eren held out a fisted hands, unveiling it to show a small pile of colorful
berries resting in his palms. His fingers were died pink and blue from their
juices.
“Here! These are yours, I already ate mine. Saves us more food, right?” He
smiled at their astonished faces, and dumped the berries into their awaiting
hands.
“Wow! Eren- I can’t believe you found berries, that’s super lucky.” Armin said,
already gobbling up his share of the fruit. Mikasa was savoring her pile,
slowly chewing on one berry at a time.
Eren smiled again, happy that he had found more food for his friends. In truth,
he had been up for a while, had left the warm bodies of his friends before the
sun came up. He had only slept for about an hour and a half and could not go
back to sleep again. The dreams that had filled his mind in that short amount
of time had not been pleasant, and he felt himself breaking while sitting in
between Armin and Mikasa. Not wanting to sit there with his thoughts roaming,
he instead focused his mind towards figuring out what to do about his non-
eating situation. Eren couldn’t eat for the next few days if he didn’t want to
chance an infection down there. He may faint from lack of food, but he’d rather
experience that then the pain of shitting. His body was still so small, and he
needed his ass to recover from the other night before anything traveled through
his torn passage again.
He knew that his friends would wonder why he wasn’t eating, because they were
all experiencing hunger pains. So he had to go find food and say he ate it, and
with evidence to show. At least for the first day. Mikasa would surely be
suspicious otherwise; he knew they were already wary about his recent behavior.
He needed to change that- he needed to stop their worries. He needed to make
sure they believed that he was fine. Because he was fine.
He was fine…
He was fine.
With a tentative plan set, Eren decided to leave their home while it was still
dark, and go back to the river. Sometimes, if one was lucky, it was possible to
find food out in the woods. Especially if the Military Police were guarding the
river, there was bound to be at least a handful of nuts or berries nearby, as
they were (most times) too stupid to know what was poisonous and what wasn’t.
Luckily, Armin had taught Mikasa and Eren about the natural foods that could be
eaten in the woods.
Hopefully, the MP’s were still not awake yet, and he could look around
unnoticed before daylight really hits.
After gently prying himself away from the tentacle arms of Mikasa and Armin,
Eren headed toward the river, where after two hours of searching, three times
of giving up, and two near run-ins with some groggy MP’s, he had finally found
a small patch of berries hidden deep in the woods behind the river. It really
wasn’t much at all, only a handful could be taken- and they weren’t even in the
best shape- but it would work, and Eren was overjoyed with his luck, despite
feeling exhausted and his body hurting from the lingering pain that branched
through his muscles.
In spite of his shattered body, the walk to the woods and back had greatly
helped Eren. It had allowed him to clear the building anxiety he had from
coming back and sleeping in between Armin and Mikasa. It was difficult, going
through what he had that night, then coming back into safe arms that knew
nothing of the trauma he had just experienced. He had felt cheated, unwanted,
and dirty, despite knowing it wasn’t their fault for being ignorant. He didn’t
want them to know after all, and although he could create a brave face, he was
an 11 year old boy at heart, who had just wanted understanding and comfort from
people who loved him.
But he would never get understanding.
And comfort would never be known again.
His friends’ touches had hurt, in a way that could only be described as shame.
He was ashamed of what he had done, what he would do, and his mind felt that
their loving touches only heightened that feeling.
So sitting in the middle of them, falling asleep, had shame gripping his heart-
humiliation boiling in his blood- with his own filth and disgrace.
Sleep had hoped to be a sanctuary, but turned into a memory-filled nightmare
instead. Flashes of what had happened, of his pride being tossed away and any
self-love he had ever built inside himself, had crumbled into dust. He felt
lucky he had gotten any sleep at all, honestly. But he didn’t look like it.
Dark circles hung beneath his eyes, his skin was dry and dull, and the cuts on
his palms and knees were red with irritation. His body still hurt- he couldn’t
help but limp as soon as he was alone, and his throat felt raw. Hunger pains
came, and he nearly ate some berries, but knew he would thank himself later.
So when he finally made his way back to Mikasa and Armin, it was early in the
morning still, and he had gone through two small panic attacks during the trip.
But now, he fashioned his façade once again, the crystal walls holding back his
hurt and shame, his flinching and limping, and he threw up a bright smile at
his friend’s faces when they were eating the berries.
Though really, he was smiling more because they thought he had already ate, and
didn’t even seem suspicious.
So far, so good.
“Hey, Eren?” Eren looked to his left where Armin was sitting, but his blue eyes
were focused on the food pile in front of the trio. Armin and Mikasa had both
just finished eating their berries, and their hands and lips were dyed faintly
with the color blue.
“…Yeah?” His heart began to beat faster in response, a weird feeling spread
through his body in anticipation of Armin’s question. Both he and Mikasa
watched as Armin reached to pick up a can of beans, turning it around to
present its front to his friends.
“Aren’t these…rations from the Military police? Or the Garrison? I think they
have the same rations actually… and I don’t know about the Scout Regiment, but
I would think that they all receive the same rations…” Armin kept turning the
can slowly, the marks on the metal glinting in the sunlight. “These are
definitely bigger than the cans I had taken that one time, and I think the
marks say… ‘rations…military police’? …I don’t know, I’m not familiar with a
lot of these words.” He hummed to himself, and gave the can to Mikasa, who held
her hand out for it.
“If those cans come from actual rations, which I’m pretty sure they do, at
least based on their size- how did the bar owner you go to get these?” Armin’s
eyes turned to Eren’s, who had widened at the surprised news.
“I…I dunno? I mean, I took what he gave me… how am I supposed to know where he
got the food?”
Mikasa frowned. “He shouldn’t be allowed to have these, it’s only for our
military. That’s not good at all….” She snapped her thin eyes to Eren’s. “I
don’t want you to go back there. If that guy you work for is handing these out
to you, there’s no doubt he’s in something illegal. You’ll only get caught up
in it.”
“Wait-what? No!”
“If the Military Police find out he has their rations who knows what could
happen! He’ll probably blame it on you! And then what?” Mikasa shoved the can
back at the ground in frustration.
His heart pounded, rage bubbled in his mind. “Seriously, Mikasa? We’re
practically starving on the streets, and you want to give up the food I’ve got
for you because it’s illegal?”
Eren’s eyes were slowly widening in disbelief at his sister’s comments. What
was she thinking? How could she say that? He had gone through so much… so much!
For this food. To bring back to them. To feed them and keep them alive. And
okay, yeah, it was weird that the cans were most likely from military rations-
he didn’t even want to begin thinking about what that could mean- but
seriously?
Fuck this.
“If you haven’t noticed, we kinda don’t have another option for food. We see
people dying everyday on the streets from starvation! Stealing is barely
getting us anything- we’re lucky that I’ve found something that can get us this
much food to eat! What’s wrong with you?” Eren let out a breath of disbelief,
stood up with help from the wall, and looked down at Mikasa, whose eyes had
widened at Eren’s anger. She hadn’t moved, and looked away from Eren’s eyes,
knowing she was wrong this time. She didn’t think before she spoke, she only
saw another way to get Eren from going back to that bar.
Eren continued his small rampage, but tried to dial himself back when he
noticed Mikasa had yielded, “Who cares if it’s illegal…. anything we do to
survive is illegal right now. I just can’t get caught, and I won’t.” He huffed
out a couple of breathes, before looking at Armin, who had stayed silent
through their fight.
“We can’t sell the beans out there, just in case people realize they’re for the
military. So let’s take the potatoes- we can try and exchange them for
blankets. …I’ll just go back earlier to try and see if I can get more food.”
Eren bent down to grab the potatoes in his hands, and winced at the movement.
He took a sharp inhale of breath when he stood back up, and began walking out
of the alley, not looking back to see if Armin was following.
“…Um, okay- Wait up, Eren!” Armin scrambled up, trying to shake off the small
shock of the fight that had just occurred, and jogged after Eren. He quickly
called to Mikasa over his shoulder, locking eyes with her, “We’ll be back,
soon! I’ll calm him down.” He gave her a small smile and wave before catching
up to Eren on the dirty street.
Mikasa watched them leave the alleyway. She was just trying to protect Eren,
but reluctantly understood that that was the wrong way to go about it. She just
couldn’t help herself- she acted before thinking, and it just got her into
another fight with her brother. She still didn’t like him going to that bar-
especially now since he brought back rations. That was troubling in itself, but
although she wouldn’t admit it, what Eren said was right. It was still food,
and they needed it, no matter the danger of getting caught.
But- she saw him flinch earlier… his palms and knees were badly scraped up, and
he had left early in the morning. Something was off… but with him being so
defensive, she didn’t know what else to do except wait, until there were more
signs of trouble. So she sat in their makeshift home, deciding to spend her
time trying to get rid of the trash that had blown in during the night, and
thinking of how to apologize later on to Eren. She was tired of fighting with
him.  
 
 
Eren and Armin were walking the side streets of the city, where they were more
accepted when seen. The roads were smaller, and filled with lower-end merchants
who couldn’t compete with the other dealers on the main road of the city. Their
feet brushed on the warm gravel, the small rocks not bothering their hardened
feet. They turned down more side streets, walking deeper into the more seedy
parts of the city, passing by scantly-clad women who were trying to invite them
in- not caring that they were so young still. No- everyone in this area only
wanted coin or food. Survival of the fittest. And this was where Armin could
find someone willing to give up something they owned for sustenance.
They had previously lived in this area when Armin’s grandpa left them. They had
nowhere else to go, especially with the shelters remaining full, and this was
where the remaining refugees were migrated to. It was a frightening time for
them, as they were all on their own, and had no idea what to do. His grandpa
had been their main food source, but when he had to leave, they were helpless
to the deep pit of the city. They were tossed and dragged around for a while,
living off of what they had left, until they had ventured out and found their
little alleyway, anxious to get out of the seedier spots of the city, where
starvation was creeping in like a virus. They were lucky, in a way, as the MP
tried to hustle all the refugees into this area, as if to try and hide the
extra amount of people in the city. As if to try and hide their backhanded
murder of starving men, women, and children.
Coming back to the dodgy area, they noticed that it had only gotten worse.
Rumors had even spread that this part of the city was turning into the ‘Above
Underground’, with its advancing fatalities and thieveries. There were less
kids running around, less women holding their babies, less men trying to build
small shacks in corners. It was obvious why. The people they passed by were
skin and bones, frail and miserable. They could practically smell death in
every corner, and were pretty sure there were some dead bodies tucked in the
corner on the side of the tiny road, waiting to be picked up.
But as they were walking through the streets again, they fit in as if they had
never left. Eren and Armin were both noticeably undernourished, and their
clothes were ragged and torn. Bare feet with dirty hair- yes- it was as though
the small amount of food they had received had done nothing for their bodies.
Armin and Eren had walked around for a while, Armin directing Eren to follow
him. Armin knew what they were looking for: someone with a lot of blankets to
spare. It would be a hard search, but he was confident someone was hoarding
covers somewhere. So they continued to walk through the streets, and as Eren
slowly calmed down from his earlier fight with Mikasa, Armin finally felt it
safe enough to bring it back up.
“Eren,” he began, with a cautious tone, “I know you’re angry, but Mikasa is
only looking out for you… She wasn’t thinking about what she was really
saying.”
Eren knew this was coming, as the whole trip with Armin had been silent. Armin
had been giving him time to cool off, which, he actually needed. His hands had
been in fists for most of the walk, and his face had only now had dropped into
a calmer expression.
He just felt betrayed. Mikasa had no idea… no idea, of what he had went through
to get that food. Hell, he was still feeling the repercussions, especially with
moving around so much. Walking still hurt, his stomach was in pain from the
lack of food, and his palms and knees were still sore. Anger just raged inside
him, hurt at the thought that Mikasa wasn’t… thankful.
Which sounded….terrible. Horrible. He knew that. He just couldn’t help but feel
that way. And it made him even more frustrated. So he had to leave, and the
search for blankets was a perfect excuse. Armin was quiet throughout the fight,
so he knew he would be given some time to cool down. During the walk, his mind
did its best to rationalize the situation, to keep himself from going
ballistic, to keep himself from hitting the walls in frustration. With
everything that Eren was already holding in, this was just another part of
himself that needed to be tucked away. And Armin was there, so that was an even
more incentive at reeling his emotions in.
“…I know.” Short. Sweet. Keep it simple. He couldn’t show how much her words
had hurt him, or else Armin would know something more was going on.
“And she’s probably feeling sorry already. Please don’t be mad at her- You
doing all the hard work… and Mikasa letting you go and walk into dangerous
situations… It scares her. She just wants you safe.” Armin bit his lip softly,
and led them down a narrow passage, where dirty clothes hung to block out
sunlight. People were crouched near the walls, glancing at them to see who was
walking in their territory.
“She needs to get that I’m not her child. She needs to know that I can do this…
I’m not weak. I can help us. I am helping us!” His frustration leaked through
slightly, his voice raising.
Armin threw up his hands in a gesture of peace. “I know that, and she’s…slowly
realizing it. But you need to understand too, that you’re our friend. We will
always worry about you, like you worry about us. You getting this…job, really-
I think,” He paused at another turn in the passage way, where there was a
darker tunnel that seemed empty of people. “…I think, that the food you get
will save us through the rest of the year. Until we get into the Cadet Corps.”
Armin turned to look at Eren, his blue eyes glowing in the soft light.
“More people are dying on the streets here, the food shortage hasn’t gotten any
better. Even with the Wall Maria reclamation operation, there are still way too
many people inside Wall Rose.” He paused, and sighed. “They want us gone. So
many refugees have taken to stealing, but it’s hard when there are so many of
us, and people seem to now just…disappear.” He looked away, slowing their walk
to a halt outside a thin opening of a dirty shack.
“So please, Eren. Let it go- Mikasa means well, but… she’s just terrified that
one day, you’ll disappear too.”
Eren huffed out a breath and crossed his arms, leaning against the dirty wall
with his back.
“Okay. Just- keep her from doing anything stupid? Like trying to protect me.
Don’t let her try and save me from something that’s not even a problem.” He
looked at Armin again, and smiled at him.
“And… thanks, Armin. For, um. All that.” He let out a small laugh, happy at the
growing smile on his friend’s pale face.
“I’ll always be here for you, Eren.”
 
 
Two hours later, Armin and Eren were walking back to their own alley, with two
blankets each. It seemed that their potatoes ran higher than usual for trading,
and they were happy to leave with four decent blankets. There had been a small
fight between some women in the dark corridor, and they had actually been
scared someone was going to kill them for the food, but it seemed everyone was
just too weak and tired to truly fight. After Armin worked his social skills,
they left with splitting the two potatoes between four women, who all had given
them one blanket each. Though both Armin and Eren felt guilty, as it was clear
they weren’t thinking of the upcoming weather, they still made the trades and
rushed out of the refugee-made territory.
The whole journey had exhausted Eren though, and with the never ending hunger
pains, he was running on fumes. He had a massive headache that had only grown
since morning, and his hands had begun to shake with the lack of nourishment in
his body. He felt dizzy, and knew it was a good idea to try and sleep it off
when they got back.
That was, if he didn’t faint first.
They dragged their exhausted bodies into the alley and up to Mikasa, who smiled
warily at them both.
“Hey, guys.”
“Hey, Mikasa! Look what we got.” Armin threw his blankets on her, giggling at
her confused face.
“We traded for four blankets. If we keep this up, we’ll be okay for winter.”
“That’s really good news. I’m glad we have enough food to exchange.” Her eyes
glanced to Eren’s, searching for some type of forgiveness, hoping he had calmed
down enough while away.
Eren gave a small smile of surrender to Mikasa when their eyes connected,
noticing how regretful she appeared, and slid in next to where she was sitting.
He rested his head on her tense shoulder, which relaxed at his touch. She
sighed softly in relief, and carefully reached underneath all the blankets to
lock their hands together underneath the blanket. Cautious of his scraped
palms, he squeezed her hand in forgiveness.
Armin smiled at his two friends, glad they were alright with each other again,
though he noticed how exhausted Eren had looked in that moment. His eyes were
already closed, and his face relaxed. He sat down next to him, trapping Eren in
the middle again. They all had a long night and early morning; a nap seemed
like a good idea, so he shut his eyes to close out the sun.
For the next couple of days, the three friends spent most of their time with
each other, either doing small errands or looking to pick up any work offered
in the area. Of course, they could find none, but they continued to try
nonetheless. Eren continued to leave early in the mornings for berries or nuts
he’d find, but would come back emptyhanded more often than not. Armin thought
it seemed like Eren was trying to leave more food for him and Mikasa, but
didn’t have any evidence to call him out on.
He also noticed how Eren didn’t eat his meal of the day, claiming that the
berries filled his stomach already. No matter what Armin or Mikasa said, he
didn’t begin eating until around three days after he had come back with his
food, and that was only because he had fainted on them, after acting like his
head was in the clouds all day. But luckily, he had fainted just outside of
their ally, so he and Mikasa just dragged his body to the blankets where he
slept like the dead for the rest of the night.
Mikasa was extremely concerned, and practically stuffed food down his throat
when he had woken up. She then spent the next twenty minutes rampaging about
his lack of self-care, and why wasn’t he eating for Gods sakes?
But all they had received was a mumbled answer about not feeling like it, not
feeling well, which was terrifying in itself. As they couldn’t afford to get
sick- sick meant dying.
So that brought on a whole other rage from Mikasa.
But eventually, Armin had settled down the two, and things were alright again
for a while.
At least, for Mikasa and Armin.
Eren, on the other hand, had struggled through the rest of the week. After
fainting, Mikasa kept a closer eye on him, and he knew he was lucky she didn’t
kick up more of a fuss after he muttered through a lousy explanation of why he
wasn’t eating. He finally gave up though, after that. He began eating again,
and after braving his way through a couple of Mother Nature’s calls, had deemed
himself healed enough.
He had also accepted that sleeping would be a passing memory, and dedicated
most of his nights to working on his mental walls. With both Mikasa and Armin
keeping a close eye on him, he needed to establish a winning performance that
would put their minds at ease. He still trembled, but it was barely noticeable.
He still flinched, but had been getting better at directing their focus in
another direction. Their touch made him cry inside himself every time, but he
still put on a fake smile. He wondered if they’ve noticed that he wasn’t so
affectionate anymore.
Yes, his crystal walls were getting stronger every day, but the Eren that was
incased inside of them- the Eren that took in everything he couldn’t show- was
breaking every second he wasn’t helped. He had thrown every scream, every
agony, and every hurtful memory from that alley behind those walls. He thought
he could hide there- he thought he was safe. But he realized he needed to
separate himself. The broken Eren, and the Eren he built to lie.
So he built. He kept building, kept reinforcing, until no one could get in or
out of his walls. He focused on his fake Eren, an Eren who would be able to
take anything, able togo through anything, and come out of it with a smile.
Albeit, a fake smile.
Meanwhile, he would make sure the painful memories, the terrible trade that
were sure to come, the flashbacks and anxiety attacks- those would be pushed
back, back behind the walls, where no one could find them.
Where no one could find him.
Which would break him even more, in the end. No true comfort, no understanding,
no its going to be okay, Eren, I’ll protect you, I won’t let them hurt you
again.
Because he will be hurt, again. Again, and again, and again and again and again
until he didn’t know up from down anymore.
Until he was so broken, his walls would fall too, because there wasn’t anyone
trying to keep them up anymore.
But until then, he needed to get his family through this year. Then he could
put all this rage, all this residual anger, towards the Titans. Become focused
on killing the Titans. Because that was all that would work. Otherwise, Eren
would break into pieces, and he wouldn’t let that happen until all the Titans
were dead, and Armin and Mikasa could go explore and see the ocean.
Until then, he would lie.
 
Chapter End Notes
     whew. glad this one was over.
     -Next chapter will be dark again!
     -But will also speed up their time on the streets.
     ALSO
     -if ANYONE can tell me what city/district the refugees were brought
     into after the fall of Maria, let me know! i hate using general terms
     like city and town everytime :(
     -I based their education at about a 1st grader? So that's why they
     couldn't really read the can. no time for school and such.
     THOUGHTS/Comments/Concerns i will take them all! Anything inspires me
     to write for you guys. Thank you for reading! Xx.
***** We All Fall Down Sometime *****
Chapter Summary
     Eren forces himself to go back once again to the alley.
     This time, he's looking to strike up a deal.
     He also receives some helpful advice.
     The year passes.
     Eren grows used to his new life, and Armin and Mikasa are none the
     wiser.
Chapter Notes
     WOW this chapter is a rollercoaster.
     Okay, i admit, at first i hated it.
     Then i revised, revised, scrapped, revised.
     and WALLAH! i'm kinda satisfied. Not really. But hey, it's done.
     So, i hope you all enjoy, and i hope it isn't too choppy.
     *PLEASE READ THE TAGS BEFORE READING BECAUSE THE BAD STUFF IS ALL
     HERE*
See the end of the chapter for more notes
5 days after his previous trip out for food, Eren was once again sitting in the
alleyway of the tiny bar town, waiting for the man to show up. And although he
had already gone through this before- he knew what was coming, what was
expected of him- his body still thrummed in fear and anxiety. His body had long
ago tensed its tiny muscles during the walk here, and he had shaken and
stumbled around during his small trip.
He had felt… disconnected, after lying once again to his friends after he said
goodbye to them. The lying had become easier every time, true, but none the
less, Eren still felt guilt claw its way up his spine and settle right next to
his mind. Armin and Mikasa were still worried about his trips, he could tell,
but he also knew that they were not going to comment anymore about it unless he
screwed up again in front of them. They needed proof, but until Eren broke,
they were never going to have it. He had made his walls strong enough to hold
his pain and torment back, and he would make sure that they would never falter
in front of his family again. He hoped that they would eventually just come to
accept the fact that Eren was, at least in their ignorance, alright. That he
wasn’t in any danger. That he really was just cleaning up a bar for food.
That thought actually made Eren laugh a little to himself as he walked out of
their familiar city, and forced himself forward to his new personal hell.
The walk had slowly gotten harder and harder for Eren. As he got closer, his
heart pounded harder, he felt more lightheaded, and his hands shook so hard
that he had to ball them up into fists. It was just like last time- walking
towards something that was intending to give pain was difficult and cruel on
the mind. He didn’t think the walk would ever get easier, so Eren just tried
his best to accept how his body was reacting, and continued to push himself to
the alleyway.
Now, finally sitting on the cold ground between tall building walls, he tried
his best to calm himself. It didn’t help that his hands were clammy, his lip
roughly bitten to the point he tasted blood, and he felt as though he couldn’t
get enough air.
He had decided then that the waiting was almost just as bad as the actual
exchange that was about to take place.
Call it what it is, Eren.
No.
You know what you are now.
Stop.
In the few days prior to coming back, Eren had spent a lot of his time figuring
out how to best playEren- forming a perfect façade for his friends- and how to
better prepare himself for the next time he met the man.
There was no way he would go through that agony again, and had been panicking
at the thought of voluntarily going back to that amount of pain. He was
frazzled, snappy, and scared out of his mind for when he had to go back to the
man. He was at the point where he was about to blow his cover in front of Armin
and Mikasa, because he didn’t know what to do to make it easier on himself.
There had to be some way, right? At least, Eren thought there had to be. He
just didn’t understand why a person would put themselves through that much pain
for such an… activity. He didn’t understand the point of sex if it hurt. Did it
really hurt all the girls that much? And guys? He didn’t know, he didn’t think
he wanted to know, but he knew he had to find out if there was a way to help
him. And his best bet was going to the darker side of town, where whores were
common enough to find.
He had gotten lucky, yesterday, when running into a couple of male prostitutes
in a shady corner deep in the refugee parts. After thinking he was a new
customer, which made Eren blush to his forehead, Eren stammered out a quick
response that made them willing to talk to him. And after one embarrassing
conversation with the two of them in the seedy part of town, he had found out
several tips that could help him survive his trades with the man.
No matter how embarrassing it had been, at the end of the day, he was glad he
had made himself ask them questions, even though he had been worried that
someone he knew was going to recognize him. But to his knowledge, no one he
knew was around the darker parts of town.
The prostitutes had not been much older than Eren himself, maybe 14 and 17, and
they had loads to share. His blushing face had quickly faded into a sickening
white as they freely told him a few tricks that would save his body from
hurting more during and after. They hadn’t looked at him with pity, which was
something that Eren had been afraid of, but with a sad understanding in their
eyes. He didn’t delve into why he was asking them about their work, and they
didn’t ask him why either.
But after he had walked away with advice that could help him with his
situation, he couldn’t help but be relieved that he had swallowed the little
pride he had left to go and ask the boys his questions.
Especially now, when he was about to enact another trade again.
So when he had finally reached the dark and empty alley, with the sky already
dark and the moon covered by clouds, he stood there for a couple of minutes,
gulping down his rising nausea, and tried not to dig his fingernails into his
palms. He remembered what the prostitutes had told him to do beforehand. He
knew he should listen and prepare himself. But his body was reluctant, his mind
was reluctant, and it was difficult to even contemplate preparing himself down
there in the same place where he had been previously forced open by another.
And preparing himself for the same man, no less. It was difficult to wrap his
brain around it- that it was voluntary, now. That it had been voluntary,
before.
But it hadn’t felt like it.
But then again, would it even feel any different, being…raped? Didn’t that
happen the first time? How could anything be worse then that… And he had even
agreed to it beforehand…
No. Stop. Stop it Eren.
There’s no time for this.
He was so confused about it all. It just made his head spin worse, and made his
heart ache it a weird way that had Eren wondering if something was medically
wrong with it. So he shook off the internal debate, focused on emptying his
mind of what he was about to do, and jerkily grabbed his raggedy pants with
shaking hands and pulled them down. He immediately stuck his two right fingers
inside his mouth, tasting his own sweaty dirty skin, and then reached back to
slowly put them in his ass to stretch himself out.
It had stung, it wasn’t pleasant, but he had felt himself slowly loosening up,
which was what the prostitutes had said would happen. He didn’t do it for very
long, only enough to what he felt would work, because it had slightly reminded
him too much of what had happened down there already, and what was about to
happen to him again in a few hours. He already felt naked, already felt
violated, even if it was only himself this time, and he hated the feeling.
The feeling of being vulnerable.
The feeling of being nothing but a toy to use and throw away.
But that’s what I am, really.
I’d be his toy, if he would still give me food for Mikasa and Armin.
I’d do anything.
That’s right.
He’d do anything.
He hastily pulled his pants back up and scrambled into the dark corner of the
alley, and spent the next few minutes trying to forget what he had just done to
himself. He had curled up his knees and wrapped his arms around them, laying
his head on top. He also focused on deepening his breathing, and tried to
concentrate on preparing himself for the upcoming encounter.
What had the male boys told him again?
If you clench your ass, it’ll make them come faster.
If they’re fucking your throat, hum. It’ll get them to come fast too.
Hands and knees will hurt the least.
Prep before-hand every time.
…You do know what prepping is, don’t you?
If you can, use your hand first for as long as possible.
Focus on making them come. It’ll end quicker.
Their advice continuously swirled around in Eren’s mind, only raising his
anxiety higher, and making his body tremble in dread. He was scared. Maybe
knowing what was to come was worse than not knowing at all. He couldn’t tell.
He didn’t know if he was more terrified this time, or the last. He just knew
that sitting there, and not being able to do anything but wait, was a mental
torture all on its own.
And so, he continued to sit there.
…Shit.
Was the man even going to show up? This was the problem previously, wasn’t it?
No… He would show. He had to show. For some weird reason, Eren felt that he
would be there, even though they never decided on a set schedule… Eren was so
out of it last time, he barely remembered the man leaving him on the ground.
He couldn’t do that now. He couldn’t barricade himself in his mind.
He would have to participate.
He would have to make sure the man would continue to come back and trade with
him.
He would have to talk to him.
And to do that, he needed to stay in reality, no matter how bad it got.
Mikasa and Armin were relying on him.
It should be easier than last time, right?
He was more prepared.
Both mentally and physically.
He could do this.
He had to do this.
Do what needs to be done, Eren.
Mikasa and Armin’s survival depends on this man, depends on his performance,
depends on how much he’s willing to give up.
And he’s willing to give up everything.
 
 
The man had shown up. His body seemed to take up the entire opening of the
alleyway. 
He couldn’t breathe.
He couldn’t breathe.
Come on Eren!
Concentrate.
You have to make sure he comes back. You have to make sure he’ll keep feeding
you. Do it before he gets too close! 
TALK Eren!
I cant I cant Icant IcantIcant
Oh GodsIcantpleaseimscared
The man was getting closer.
The smirk was getting bigger.
Did he say something?
A chuckle. White teeth.
He’s not ready for this.
Air. He needs air.
Why can’t he move?
Why won’t his mouth open?
…what was he trying to do again?
GETAHOLDOFYOURSELFEREN
FOCUS.
…focusonwhathesrightinfrontofme
The man towered above Eren. His head was settled up so high compared to him,
and Eren was so small. So fragile. Easily breakable. Easily maneuvered and
thrown and tossed around.  
The man was huge.
Did he get bigger?
He was so big…
…Like a titan.
And. And... Monstrous.
Petrifying.
Terrifying.
…
He’s… Like a titan.
A titan.
You’veseentitansbeforeyoucandothisnow!
That’s… that’s right.
Focus Eren.
Bring your mind back.
You prepared for this.
You prepared for this!
His mind began working again. The man was standing a few feet in front of him,
with a stupid grin on his face. His arms were crossed. He seemed better dressed
today, his white shirt and brown pants had looked freshly washed, and his brown
boots were shined.
Breathe, Eren.
Now ask him.
His throat opened.
Chilling air went into his lungs, and he drew a shaky breathe.
“Um, ccan- can we- um. L-like…this. But Mm-more?”
Eren stuttered his question out, breaking his short eye contact with the man,
and looked down at his dirty feet. It didn’t come out right. But at least he
remembered what he had to ask him, after his mind turned on again. He wanted to
ask about the amount of food per trade, and how many days per week they could
meet. To get some sort of schedule going, for food security.
To know how many times he had to go through this to get enough food.
But his mind had shattered as the mere sight of the man, despite his mental
preparations. Despite how much he thought he’d be okay. At least he had gotten
his voice working. He sputtered out all that he was able to, but really, he was
just trying to keep his mind from breaking again. He had to stay focused, no
matter how terrified he was.
“So, you wanna make this an everyday thing? ‘Cuz I can’t do that. I have stuff
to do, ya know. I’m actually a pretty important person.”
The man laughed, but Eren gave no visual response. Instead, his mind tried it’s
best to analyze what was just said, and how he needed to respond.
It was extremely challenging, given how the man stared at Eren like he was
dinner. But after a few awkward seconds, he got his voice to work again.   
“No, uh- no. It um… depends on how much food you give me.”
The man sucked in his cheeks, and slowly nodded to himself, looking Eren up and
down. Eren felt his dark eyes on his body, and he shivered. He felt naked,
although his clothes were still on.
“Ha. Yeah? You starvin’ runt? You must be. You look like you’re skin and
bones!”
“…I have f-friends.” He whispered out. He didn’t want to, didn’t want the man
to know anything about Armin and Mikasa, but he was grasping at straws. He had
to see if he could get more food out of this.
“Ah. So you’re the big, bad provider, huh? Doin’ the dirty work?” The man
laughed, his voice low. “Me too kid, me too. Here’s the deal, I only got so
much food for myself. But I got a proposition for ya.” The man grinned at Eren
again, and slowly circled Eren, sauntering behind him, and deliberately pressed
his front to Eren’s back.
Eren tensed, his body frozen when he felt the man behind him. His mind stopped-
only focused on the solid contact on his back. His breathing grew shaky as he
felt rough hands leisurely slide down his shoulders, his arms, his hips, then
finally wrapping tight around his belly. Eren gasped at the feeling, trying to
suck in oxygen, but it only made it worse as his stomach expanded further into
the man’s massive hands. He felt pressure- the man was pressing him closer to
himself, and Eren could instantly feel something solid and large pressing into
his lower back.
Oh God Oh god oh godohgodohgod
NopleasenotyetNOTYET
Eren was afraid to close his eyes- he kept staring at the chipped brick stone
wall instead. His bright green eyes filled with salty tears and his breathing
turning into short bursts, trying in vain to suck in air. He couldn’t
concentrate. He couldn’t breathe. What was happening again? What were they
talking about? What did he need to do?
Didn’t he need to do something?
Focus Eren!
Easier said than done.
“…What?” He breathed the word out- his voice had deserted him, drowned out by
the waves of helplessness and paralyzing fear.
He felt the man’s throaty chuckle against his ear. His body trembled in the
man’s grasp, his chin quivering as he felt his hands slide under his thin
shirt, and began fondling his trembling tummy.
“I said, I know a few of my buddies that would strike up a deal with ya too.
They’d love your sweet little ass. We all have a…special type, ya see. And
you’re just perfect for it.” He let out a loud groan as he slid his hands up
Eren’s body, pressing down hard with his thumb on a nipple. Eren gasped at the
action, his fingernails digging themselves into his scabbed palms. “I know
they’d be willing to come meet ya on nights I can’t. Besides. I’m movin’ up in
the ranks soon. I’ll be needed elsewhere.”
No, nonono. M-more? More men to… to-
Oh Gods. He- could barely even take this-
How would he-
How could he-
But the- the man said…
Leaving?
Noheneededhisfood
Does he?
ForMikasaandArmin
Thick, unrelenting tears slid down his face and splashed on the grainy ground.
Oh gods
Okay
okayokayokay
He. He… He had to.
He had to say yes.
…How could he say yes?
He choked on a sob that welled up in his throat. His lips quivered, his
breathing erratic, his body shaking like a leaf. The man was holding most of
his weight now.
Do what needs to be done, Eren.
He croaked out his answer.
“…O-okay.”
“Ah. Lovely. I’ll tell my boys tomorrow. Let’s say… you can meet someone every
other day? Would that be enough for ya?” The man slid his hands back down
Eren’s body, and loosened his pants to fall to the ground. He then suddenly
reached and threw off Eren’s shirt, yanking at his shoulders. Eren cried out
softly at the action, more surprised than because of the slight pain. He was
then shoved around, now facing the man naked and shivering, and looked up to
see the stupid grin on his face once again.
Gods, he felt so small.
…He was small.
And weak.
Looking up to the monster- the huge face that now was a recurring image in his
nightmares- made him feel so helpless. His arms were huge- the muscles bulky-
and his body size was ridiculously overbearing, especially to a small child. He
towered over Eren’s currently small frame, and as his arms once again wrapped
around Eren’s body, pulling him to his own, rubbing his erection into Eren’s
concave stomach, Eren felt as though he was being enclosed by solid iron bars
of a tiny jail cell.
There was no way out.
He had trapped himself.
He signed over his body to men, to do as they pleased.
He had said yes.
Yes to other men.
Who were going to…
Who were going to fuck him.
Fuck him. And do god knows what else.
And they would pay in food.
So Eren could get food.
Food for Armin and Mikasa.
He had made his decision.
And now he had to pay for it.
He gave a barely noticeable nod, as his forehead was pressed into the man’s
muscular chest. It was more of a surrender to his new life. A new horrifying
life made in the dark alley of a bar town.
“Great. We’ll all have a great time.” His rough hands slid up Eren’s naked
back, taking their time, and softly settled into his hair. One gentle swipe.
Two more careful caresses.
Eren felt shivers run up his spine.
Yank.
“Ah!” He gasped as his hair was suddenly pulled, forcing him to look up at the
man’s darkening face, the twisted smile gleaming from the moon’s light.
“For now though… it’s my turn.”
 
 
If they’re fucking your throat, hum.
He was still desperate for air -still being choked until he was lightheaded-
but he tried. Anything to get him off faster. To get oxygen in his lungs again.
He thinks it helped, eventually.
At least he could breathe once more.
But he lost his air again when another part of him was suddenly filled.
Clench your ass when he’s inside you.
But it also made Eren feel him more.
It was also more painful than doing nothing.
But the thrusting was more desperate.
It forced out fat tears from Eren’s closed eyes.
Deep, rough groans were heard faster. The man’s voice was loud in his ear,
saying things Eren mostly couldn’t understand in his state.
But he did make out a couple of words.
He was about to be sick.
Hands and knees will hurt the least.
True, but he also felt like a used toy. Like nothing.
And the man liked to shove him down, to where he was pinned in the dirt.
He didn’t think he could control this piece of advice very well.
Especially when he was too busy trying not to pass out.
The pounding suddenly got rougher.
Groans were deeper.
Hands pressed him further into the dirt.
He’d have bruises on his back tomorrow.
But as a thick white substance was released into his ass, Eren couldn’t help
but be slightly relieved at the uncomfortable feeling.
At least there wouldn’t be blood coming out this time too.
 
 
Eren gently shuffled his naked body to the closest side wall of the alley, and
tucked himself as best he could into a little ball. His ass still stung, it was
still hurting down there, but nowhere near as much as the first time.
No, his first time was horrific. Traumatic. He was irrevocably changed after
being taken for the first time. But as disturbing as that knowledge was, it
didmake him more prepared for further…meetings.
Which was why he was currently not as petrified, not as comatose, not as
shattered, afterwards.
Which was why he was able to crawl away from the man after he pulled himself
out of Eren’s tiny body, and curl himself up tight to feel some sort of
comfort.
Liar.
Nothing has changed.
Those feelings are still there.
They’re burning you up inside.
That’s right.
He was still shattered. Still scared. Still frozen from the knowledge of what
he had just done.
He was just more used to feeling that way, now. He was becoming used to the
sensation of dread, of anxiety, of fear coursing through his veins, bubbling
his blood until he felt that he would burst.
He was now just learning how to live, how to survive, with these emotions
swirling around his mind and body.
It wasn’t getting easier.
He was just getting used to it.
But for now though, exhaustion was the primary feeling that surfaced his
thoughts and body. His walls now held these new memories. His body was tired
from being pummeled into the ground.  He wanted to sleep. To leave reality for
a few moments. But Eren knew he still needed to be aware, be conscious, until
the man left. He had to force himself to learn how to deal with the horrors he
was putting himself through.
He would have to learn a lot of things this year, in order to survive this type
of trade.
He had already learned some valuable tips that had drastically lessened his
physical pain.
Such as making sure to prep himself before being taken in the alley.
He’d have to go thank the prostitutes he talked to some time.
“You’re food’s there,” the man pointed at some cans sitting closer to the
opening of the alley, humming to himself in a satisfied way. He was buttoning
his pants, and shuffled them around for a comfier fit. “I’ll be seeing ya in a
few days yeah? Maybe introduce ya to my friends. We’ll all get along real
good.” Another smirk lined his face as he stared down at naked boy who had
immediately scurried away from him.
“You an’ your refugee buddies will be feasting good too, if it all works out.
Oh, and maybe I’ll actually bring that meat I promised next time, yeah?” He let
out a throaty laugh, and sank his mouth back into a scheming grin.
Gods, was Eren sick of his smiles.
They made him feel like throwing up.
But he just nodded slightly, too mentally exhausted to talk. He just wanted him
gone, so he could finally breakdown in peace and then pull his mind back
together. Luckily, the man just gave a sarcastic wave, and turned to walk away.
Eren watched his back as he was leaving, but out of the corner of his eye,
glanced at the type of food left for him.
Wait.
“Wai-” His voice cracked from the recent abuse to his throat, and quickly tried
again after clearing it. “W-wait!”
The man turned, surprise echoing on his face.
“What’s up runt? Ya want more or somthin’?” The man assumed, looking down at
Eren’s naked and bruised state.
“Nn-no. Um. The c-cans. They’re…rations. Military rations?” He could barely get
his sentences out; it seemed his throat decided to call it quits and his voice
was close to following once more. His words came out scratchy and stammered, he
didn’t seem to be able to form complete sentences.
But he saw the can of beans.
He remembered Armin’s questions.
And he knew he needed to find out.
Why?
He needed to know who was capable of doing this to him.
Were they from the Garrison? Or the Military Police? Or… even worse. He didn’t
know what he would do if they were from the Survey Corps.
What if they were from the Survey Corps?
What if they were the ones he had once looked up to as they rode off behind the
walls?
He couldn’t handle that. He couldn’t believe that this man was a part of
something he had always dreamed to be in. No, this man would never belong to
the Survey Corps, people who believed in freedom and humanity’s right to go
beyond the caged walls.
Not when he was Eren’s new personal wall of imprisonment.
Rationally, Eren had thought he was most likely a bad businessman who had some
type of agreement with the food handlers, or whoever was in charge of the
rations. But whatever the man told him, Eren already had decided he’d weave
this story to Mikasa and Armin if it was brought up again. He decided on this
several days ago, on one of the many sleepless nights he had in their own
alley.
“Well no fuck. How’d ya think I’m getting ya it?” his face took on an
expression that told Eren he thought he was no more than a stupid child. The
man scoffed, and crossed his arms, but suddenly his face morphed into a look
that appeared to be realization. “Oh. Right, I’m in my civilian clothes here.
Ha. No wonder.”
“I’m in the MP. Don’t go spreading that shit around though, ya hear, runt boy?”
He cast his eyes onto Eren’s, suddenly giving him a deadly glare, his body
tensing in a dominant position. “I’m nice enough to get you food, but that can
change real quick if you fuck this little thing we have here up.” He kept
glaring at Eren, who jerkily nodded his head, his eyes wide open in alarm.
“Good. Oh, since we’re getting’ all buddy-buddy here,” The man suddenly pulled
up a grin again, the anger in his eyes vanishing and his body relaxing, “The
name’s Todd. Remember that, cuz when I show you off to my friends next time… I
want you screamin’ it.”
The man, or Todd, as he had just donned himself, suddenly strode over to Eren,
and leaned down to grab his swollen face in his hand. He pressed his thumbs
into his cheeks, smashing them again his small teeth, making Eren cry out in
pain before grabbing the man’s wrist in a useless attempt of getting him to let
go. Todd brought his face up to his, close enough that they were almost
touching noses. Eren’s eyes teared up at the action, terrified at the sudden
way he was forced to look into his gleaming dark eyes. He was too close.
Way too close.
He couldn’t breathe again. He wasn’t prepared for this so soon, he didn’t
expect this, he thought it was done, he shouldn’t have called him back it
wasn’t worth it itwasn’tworthit.
He needed airwheredidtheairgo
“Say my name.”
Eren struggled to get anything out, his face mushed in the man’s giant hand. It
came out as a garbled, “…Tt-todd.”
He hummed in sickening delight, whispering, “Good. Remember, two days. I’ll
make sure my buddies are fair to ya, bringing ya food an’ all. We’re MP’s, so
you can trust us.” The man gave a quick chuckle, his breath puffing out on
Eren’s face. He gave a quick grin to Eren, smirking at his panicked expression,
and dropped him back on the ground.
He watched as Eren gasped for breath, who had fallen face first into the dirty
earth. Eren pushed his hands into the gravel, hard enough to where it hurt, in
order to focus on the new pain instead of his aching cheeks. His breathing was
erratic, and he tried to gulp oxygen down as much as he could when he heard,
“I’ll see ya soon, runt.”
He looked up to see the man’s back; Todd was sauntering out of the alley.
And this time, there was no way in hell Eren would call him back.
Eren took in a couple more gulps of air, trying to get his breathing under
control, as the alley was finally empty again. His tears continued to hit the
ground. He could barely hear laughter from the streets; it want that late out
yet. Drunks were most likely still at the bars, with no knowledge of what had
just taken place between two buildings of their town.
In that small, dingy alleyway.
In Eren’s new workplace.
Eren curled his naked body in a small ball once again, uncaring that he was
making himself more dirty, and cried.
 
 
His life went on after that. No matter how much he tried to slow down the days
he spent with Armin and Mikasa.
And so, slowly, painstakingly, Eren gradually learned how to adjust to his
second life. A dark, hidden, secret life that was based off of lies and deceit.
Based off of sexual positions, pleasure, and lust. Based off of manipulative
skills, quick thinking, and a frozen heart. His new life was that of a child
prostitute, paid for in food, and held secret from his truest friends. He
protected himself with impenetrable, solid crystal walls that held his broken
mind together. He protected himself by throwing away his own wants, his own
wishes, his own dreams.
He didn’t need those to be broken by his customers too.
So he did it himself.
Weeks went on, months passed, and Eren learned how to survive his new title.
Runt, he was called, by the numerous men that visited him in that alley.
Because he was so small- a pitiful refugee- and fragile. Not worth knowing,
only for fucking. And sometimes, they even came in groups.
Eren hated when they came in groups.
Sometimes, his body was used so badly that he didn’t make it back to Armin and
Mikasa. Those nights, he had fainted in that damned alley, his body too broken
and hurt to move. He had considered himself extremely lucky the first time it
had happened- despite waking up bruised and bloody- that Mikasa and Armin
hadn’t come looking for him.
Thankfully, that was because he had thought ahead- he had become smart, oh yes-
and told them that he may have days where he’d have to stay all night, per the
‘bar owner’s’ request, and to not worry, as he’d be back in the morning.
He told them that the day before his first time meeting four smirking men in
the alley way.
His first time meeting a group of men from the military police.
Apparently, it was a taboo subject that some men in the military liked fucking
little boys, but not taboo enough that they were ever stopped.  
Because word got around that Eren was apparently, one of the best, and in time,
even some men from the Garrison had trickled in on his nights working the
alley.
All in all, he had roughly twenty some men fucking him every week.
Eventually, they didn’t even care to change out of their uniforms, either.
He learned their names. Names forever branded in his mind.
Luke.
Sanson.
Ray.
Nile.
Warren.
Todd.
The list went on. Some men showed once, some sporadic, but most were regular
customers. Most liked coming back for more, using Eren’s body for their own
pleasure, finding enjoyment in making him scream, cry, in making him choke for
air.
They found enjoyment in taking turns fucking him until he passed out. They
liked it when they could control him, and they really enjoyed themselves when
Eren begged.
And Eren was not above begging.
Eren wasn’t above anything.
Not anymore.
No, Eren did whatever they wanted, most of the time. He rarely put up a fight.
And of course, they took advantage of that. His body was shredded, torn,
abused…but Eren took it all. He took all of their derogatory remarks, took all
of their slaps, took all of their dicks in his mouth and ass over and over.
Why?
Because they always gave him food.
They always gave him food. Every one of them.
It was like the food was their way of atonement, of saying, look, we’re
actually helping the poor boy, we’re not all that bad, we’re doinggoodhere.
Whatever it was, Eren was just glad he had a solid income of food to give to
Armin and Mikasa. And as the weeks had passed, and Eren brought more food in,
to the point where they were having three small meals a day, a lot had changed.
Eren had perfected his façade.
Armin and Mikasa didn’t think anything was wrong.
Eren smiled when he should, laughed when he should, talked when he should.
He cuddled with them during the cold nights.
He ate his portion of food when they had lunch.
He even played games with his friends when they were bored.
But he could never stop his nightmares.
He took to having regular sleeping problems, but Armin and Mikasa believed they
were about Titans.
He also began to hate the sight of food, and the reminder it carried.
He hated being touched, especially by people he didn’t know.
He snapped sometimes, the hate, the anger, boiling in his blood, making his
vision go red, at the injustice of it all.
He blamed that on his hatred for Titans.
But really, it was hatred for himself.
Although, he knew it was all worth it, the pain, the hurt, the exhaustion, the
trauma, to see Armin and Mikasa eating every day, without being scared for
their survival.
To see them growing, and smiling, and living.
They were all growing, now.
But unbeknownst to Armin and Mikasa, they were also all growing apart.
But it was still worth it.
No matter what, it would always be worth it.
It had to be worth it.
 
Chapter End Notes
     Wow.
     So, YAY THE TERRIBLE YEAR HAS FINALLY PASSED
     and poor Eren is so broken.
     FYI YES i made those names up, except Nile. :(
     BUT next chapter will have more of what went on during the year, and
     Eren, Mikasa, and Armin will finally join the Training Corps! and if
     all goes right, we'll meet Captain Levi!
     Hopefully.
     ANYWAYS
     Thank you so much for reading. Comments and Kudos really get me to
     write, and i love the feedback! Please tell me what you all thought!
     <3
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